Meant to Be
by dantesdarkqueen
Summary: What went so wrong between them? It had begun with love, but it ends with misery and confusion. The women of Koei reflect upon their relationships with the men they married. Newest"I love my darling, and I know he loves me. But there are times when I really just want to pluck his eyes out to keep them from wandering!" Nene thinks upon her marriage to Japan's Great Playboy.
1. Lu Bu and Diaochan

**Summary:** "He has become a mockery of himself..." "Did I ever truly love him? Or do I remain with him because of something else?" Diao Chan considers her relationship with Lu Bu and makes a confession to herself.

**Disclaimer: **None of this be mines.

**Queen's Quornor: **You know how writers occasionally get that one idea that grabs them by the neck and demands to be written? I was in the middle of a battle with Diao Chan in DW7 when I got that. This was not quite what I originally had in mind, but I think it came out close enough.

Meant to Be

_He knows the end is near. _

_My lord has run and fought for most of his life. He has truly earned his reputation as the greatest warrior in the land, and even now, after weeks of this castle suffering beneath the seige of our enemies, he still exhibits the desire to fight. At times he reminds me of a caged tiger, prowling the halls and sneering out the windows at the distant banners of our foes. I watch him from the shadows and the fierce fighter I enchanted is very much in evidence, chaffing to prove himself once more to all the world. _

_But more often than not, the warrior lies dormant. My lord spends most of his time drinking, or dallying with myself and his wives. He no longer cuts the same striking figure I remember, the bloodthirsty killer who sent men running in screaming droves before him. I close my eyes and I see again the black armor, gleaming dully beneath the golden sun, splashed with the blood of his victims. I see the long crimson tails of his headdress streaming in the wind. I see his halberd held ready at his side, the blade coated and slick, stained red. He was not the most handsome of men, but that wild yet steady gaze and tall, muscular figure drew as many admirers as it did challengers. He was destruction incarnate, a warrior to end all warriors, and just gazing upon him was enough to take my breath away. _

_To see him now is to witness the greatest of travesties. The muscles hide beneath layers of pale fat, the tanned face has acquired a permanent flush from the wine he guzzles every day. The armor and halberd sit on their stands, slowly drowning in a fine coating of grey dust. The scarlet feathers hang limp and ragged, never to stir again. Most tragic of all, those black eyes have lost their focus. They roll in their sockets and stare at us with all the untamed hunger of old, but there is a sort of frenzied despair I often detect in their depths. He knows he will not leave this castle alive, and though he longs to meet his enemies on the battlefield, he is terrified of what that will mean. _

_My unconquerable lord, the greatest warrior the world has ever known. The fearless, terrifying Lu Bu. He is petrified of his own mortality. _

_It is almost inconceivable. Here is a man who lives for battle, who revels in the carnage and destruction he causes wherever he goes. Here is a man who never seemed more alive than when he stalked along the fields of fallen, desperate men, searching for a worthy opponent to challenge his might. Yet he remains afraid of death just like any other. So he remains holed up in this castle, drawing out the seige, putting off the approaching reckoning he faces. _

_His wives seem content to let this mockery continue prowling the halls and coming to our beds reeking of wine. But I am unsure how much longer I can allow it. After all, this was hardly what I could have envisioned when my father informed me of his great plan. That night, when he said he would use me to drive a wedge between the tyrant Dong Zhuo and his foster son Lu Bu, I could not have imagined things would end this way. I sang and danced for their pleasure, painted my face and moved with all the grace my training has imparted unto me. I submitted to Dong Zhuo's pawing, knowing it would drive Lu Bu to madness. I did everything in my power to make him fall in love with me, knowing that a man so proud and possessive as he could not stand to see something about which he cared in the hands of another, even his foster father. The moment I remember most clearly, the instant I knew I had him, was the night he met me in the garden and I told him how I suffered with much shedding of tears. I doubt anyone, before or after, had ever seen Lu Bu look so tender, so earnest and scared, as when I told him that death was better than what I suffered as Dong Zhuo's most favorite consort. That was when I knew my father's plan had worked. I, a mere woman, had conquered the mightiest of warriors with a few tears and an embrace. _

_The poets and women who speak of our great romance seem to forget what came after my lord speared Dong Zhuo like the pig he was. They ignore the fact that I was no longer fit to become any man's wife, doomed to only fulfill the role of a concubine. Yes, I am Lu Bu's favorite woman, but that means little. He has two wives, and as they are properly married to him they rank above me. For everything I am and have done, I remain a ruined woman. Popular verse claims that I love my lord, that I have repeatedly expressed my desire to remain always at his side. To the average peasant, I would never dream of belonging to any other man. _

_What would they think, then, if I told them I would rather he had not taken me with him when he fled Chang'an?_

_I felt something for him, once. When I accompanied him onto the battlefield and trailed in his wake, cutting down any who got close to him, I was entranced by the fighter in his black armor, carving a swathe through the enemy ranks with no more thought than one would give to swatting a fly. I desired him then, and willingly lay with him when he called for me. Perhaps it was love. More likely it was lust. Gossips like to think that my act became a reality, that in pretending to love Lu Bu I created true emotion for him in my heart and soul. They manipulate our story so we become lovers meant for one another, separated only by the presence of Dong Zhuo. But I believe otherwise. I am a woman, not a silly girl to dream of true love with breathy sighs and starry eyes. Whatever I felt for my lord after I became his concubine, it was not love of the destiny-entwined variety._

_It is also gone now. Whenever I see him in this castle, stalking through the halls and rubbing eyes gone red from drink, I cannot stop the shiver of revulsion which inevitably crawls down my spine. When he clambers above me, naked and panting, my gaze is drawn to the pendulous gut hanging above my quivering stomach and I must fight the urge to shove him aside and flee. This man besieged in Xiapi is not the same man I once manipulated into slaying Dong Zhuo. This is a creature enslaved by his fear, beholden only to drink and pleasures of the flesh. _

_How his wives can stand him, I cannot begin to imagine. _

_One thing remains constant. Whenever he catches sight of me, his eyes fill with the same tenderness and desire they harbored when he came to me with news of his foster father's demise and his steps quicken, reflecting his eagerness to be with me. But whereas before I could lift my arms to encircle his trim waist and press myself against him, now I can only hold myself stiffly in his embrace, unable to pretend an emotion I do not feel. I still dance for him, and he still comes to me to sate his lust. I remain the Diao Chan who stole his heart and set his destiny in motion. _

_But if he were to actually pull back and look into my eyes, I have no doubt what he would find instead of love, eagerness, or base desire. He would see the one emotion that rules my thoughts whenever I witness his sluggish patrols along the windows, his drunken form sprawled among his blankets, his armor and weapons waiting for a battle which will never come. He would see it, and he would turn away from me, for it is the one assessment which he could never tolerate from another person._

_Pity._


	2. Cao Pi and Zhenji

**Summary: **"I had believed we truly loved one another... But now I see it was just a foolish dream. He may have caref for me, but he never really loved me." Zhen Ji thinks upon her relationship with Cao Pi as she awaits the order for her death.

**Disclaimer: **None of this be mines.

**Queen's Quornor: **Zhen Ji has always fascinated me. As Cao Pi is one of my favorite Wei officers, I found the concept of him loving her to be very sweet and sultry, particularly given the way he speaks to her. But then I read the book/s, and realized that Koei had taken...creative liberties with their romance. I found it difficult to reconcile the two takes on their relationship for awhile, and then recently came to a conclusion of my own. However, my view is not the one I'm using as the basis for this chapter. This is a woman who has has her heart broken, trying to come to terms with her downfall.

Cao Pi and Zhen Ji

_It is going to come soon, I know. I have been waiting for him to order my death for some time now, ever since he took those other women into his harem. Lady Guo in particular has taken it upon herself to rob me of every ounce of space I might have occupied within his heart, no matter how long it has been since he last touched me. With this, her latest scheme, my fate is all but sealed._

_I wonder if our first meeting was an omen of things to come. After his father, Lord Cao Cao, took the city of Yecheng, where I was staying with my first husband's mother, he issued an edict forbidding any man from wearing a weapon within the living quarters of the Yuan family. But still my lord Cao Pi came stalking into the estate, wearing his sword openly at his waist in spite of the order. My mother-in-law and I were terrified that he might have come to kill us, and so we screamed for help. But when he saw me, it was as if someone had touched a spark to tinder waiting inside him; I saw the cold arrogance turn into absolute desire, an expression I had last seen on my first husband's face. When Cao Cao was summoned to the estate as a result of our screams, he took one look at me and transferred his gaze to his son, who had yet to remove his eyes from me. That was when it was decided that no woman was more befitting a man of his station and talents than I, regardless of the fact that my own husband Yuan Xi still drew breath. _

_He took me that same night. When it was over, and I lay beside him in the blankets, exhausted by his attentions, I felt his eyes still upon me and raised my head to meet them. Within those black depths I read possession and satisfaction, no small amount of desire, but also a thing which surprised me. _

_I saw the stirrings of affection, an attachment which had always been lacking in my time with my husband. After our wedding night, Yuan Xi never saw me as anything more than a potential vessel for future sons, certainly not a being upon which to waste his emotions. To think that this man, Cao Pi, was already fond of me and had only just met me hours before... It was heady, and as I drifted into slumber I found myself wondering if maybe this would be more than an arranged marriage. I thought it could be the beginning of something greater, something far more precious. _

_I dreamed of love and a bright future by his side. My mind was filled with thoughts of what I could do to nurture that affectionate gleam, to coax it into consuming his heart and soul until I alone was given custody of that cherished organ. I envisioned giving him many children, of providing him with an oasis of serenity and love in a life devoted to war. _

_What I fool I was. _

_What might have been a promising future has long since turned into resigned emptiness. My lord visited me often in the early years of our marriage, and I managed to produce two children for him, a son and a daughter. But then rumors reached our ears. Because I gave birth to our son a month before the expected time, gossips wondered if Rui was not borne from his seed at all, but rather that of Yuan Xi. I knew this to be absurd, because my first husband had left me for the battlefield long before Cao Cao's army ever set foot in Yecheng; there was no chance for him to get a child on me within that time. But those rumors turned my lord Cao Pi against me, for a time. He wanted proof that Rui was his child, and all I could tell him was that Yuan Xi had not known me as his wife for months before the conflict at Guandu. He accepted my innocence after my first mother-in-law validated my claim, but he never again looked at me with total acceptance. At first I wept at the loss, but then I realized he might have suspected me at the first, because I had been the wife of his enemy. He did not quit my bed, yet the affection was shown less and less often. _

_I remember the last time he ever gazed upon me with any sort of love. He had come to Yecheng to visit his family, and we were sitting on chairs outside the quarters I had been given, watching our children play in the garden. I was smiling and happy, but my joy increased tenfold when I felt his hand take mine and squeeze the fingers tight. I looked at him, and my heart raced when I saw that his eyes reflected his satisfaction with this moment and fondness of me, if not some small amount of love. We smiled at each other and turned our attention back to our children, still holding hands. It was the happiest I had been in years, and although he was called away to a council with his father shortly thereafter my hopes for a bright future were restored. _

_How quickly they were dashed, when I received word that he had taken a woman named Guo Nuwang as his concubine. This woman, known as a king among women, has become my mortal enemy not just because she stole my husband's heart and attention, but because she has spies within my household. They report back to her anything which she could use to damage my image within my lord's eyes, and nothing passes her notice. When he ascended to the throne and became Emperor Wen, I packed my household and eagerly waited for him to summon me to join him in Xuchang. I was his wife, after all. It was only natural that I would be crowned as his Empress. _

_But the summons never came. _

_I recognize the moment when I lost my husband's favor entirely. When I realized that I was going to remain in Yecheng while he spread his favors amongst my rivals, I cried and cursed his name and theirs, stalking through my chambers with curled fists and flashing eyes. I was unaware of my maids observing me and scurrying away at the time, but upon later reflection I realized that they must have run to their own rooms to compose notes describing my behavior to their mistress in Xuchang. Ever since that day, my husband has only acknowledged our children, never me. In his eyes, I might as well be dead._

_Soon I will be. Word has reached me that a courtier by the name of Zhang Tao has claimed to have gone digging in my garden and uncovered a statue carved of paulownia wood and inscribed with the exact date and time of my lord husband's birth. As my lord has fallen seriously ill, this will be construed as an attempt on his life through magical means, an assassination plot by the woman he scorned. _

_I have no illusions regarding my lord's feelings towards me. Once he may have cared for me, but now his heart is held firmly within the claws of Lady Guo and she bears no love for me. She has used every tool at her disposal to smear my name, including the old rumors regarding Rui's begetting. Now my lord only sees me with suspicion and even distaste, an impediment to his creating Lady Guo the empress. If this had happened when first we met, perhaps it would end very differently from what I predict. But as it stands, my fate has been sealed since the day he failed to summon me to his side in the Imperial Court. I will not even have the chance to protest my innocence, so firmly does that snake have him wrapped around her finger._

_People may say that I will hate him for what he commands, for what he has done to me, but that is not true. He may not love me, but I have always regarded him with affection and thanked the heavens for the time I spent as his wife. Unrequited though it is, I do love him. I have always been his, body and soul. _

_Belonging to someone is a double-edge sword, I have found. When things are good, it is heaven on earth. But when the love fades and suspicion takes root, to belong so completely to another is the purest incarnation of agony and torment. I love him, and every day I spend apart from him, knowing that my feelings are not returned, kills a piece of my soul. _

_Yet there remains an element of grim satisfaction for me. While he regards me with mistrust and anger, he dotes upon my children, particularly our son. Rui is not the crown prince, but he is undoubtedly the most beloved of my lord's sons. It is only a matter of time until he is named the heir, unless Lady Guo produces a son. But as it has been some years since he first took her as his concubine, her chances for bearing children seem very small indeed. In all likelihood, my blood will course through the next Son of Heaven, not hers. Thus while she will become my lord's empress, she will only enjoy the power and prestige of that position while she lives. Upon her death, she will have no hold upon the court and moulder in her grave just as I will. We will be equals in death. _

_It cannot be long now. I heard of the paulownia statue's supposed discovery yesterday, and it only takes a few days to travel between the capital and Yechang. The messenger of my demise must be nearing my home. It will not be as simple as a sword across my throat or through my heart, as my lord cannot be implicated in murdering his wife. No, my guess is that I will be forced to take my own life, so his hands will be clean and no suspicion will officially fall upon him. My name will be ground into the dust among the courtiers and within the harem, and perhaps my own children will begrudge me for the crime of attempting to slay their beloved father and emperor. But I will know the truth, and perhaps one day Heaven will see fit to vindicate me by revealing it to either my lord husband or our son. There are no secrets between conspirators, after all, and the winds will inevitably turn them against one another. Perhaps one of Lady Guo's current friends will become her enemy someday, and she will fall from grace. _

_My lord used to refer to me as a beautiful flower, one which blooms in adversity. It seems logical that he views all of his women as flowers, and at the moment none is more lovely than Lady Guo. But no matter how bewitching she is, regardless of how appealing her sweet nectar may be to the imperial bee, I was the first to be planted within his garden. He will never be able to call her his beautiful flower without recalling the first blossom he so cherished. He can never look upon her without first remembering me. _

_I can hear feet now. Not the soft whispers of maiden's feet as they go about their business within the household, but the heavy tramp of boots. My lord husband's messenger has arrived, and with him comes my death. _

_So I will rise to greet him, my head held high and my face composed so my full beauty strikes his heart and makes him feel ashamed for what he must say. Even if I no longer hold his heart, I am still the Emperor's wife, his first and truest bride. I will succumb to my fate with dignity and grace, not tears and wailing. He will hear nothing of the complaining creature Lady Guo has constructed of my image. _

_As I await the messenger's presence, one thought fills my mind. I do not regret a moment of the time I have spent with him. I wish I had kept my composure when I heard of the harem and the night I realized I would remain in Yecheng, separate from him. But being his wife, bearing his children, loving him? Never would I take them back. _

_I pray that my children's futures are bright and filled with joy, that they find love as I did not. As for my lord Cao Pi, I will not hate him. I once said that I would follow him forever, and I will keep to that promise. My prayer is that he will find happiness throughout the remainder of his life, even if it comes with my enemy. He is only acting in his favorite's best interests, as any man would when his heart is ensnared. He has always done so, even before he met Lady Guo. _

_He has broken my heart, and soon I will give my life to him. But I will not stop loving him. That is why I can face my doom with such serenity. I have always strove to be a good wife, whether my husband was Yuan Xi or my lord Cao Pi. _

_Because I love him, I can follow his orders one last time._


	3. Zhuge Liang and Yueying

**Summary: **"There is so little time left... No matter what happens on this campaign, in all likelihood I will never see my husband alive again." Yue Ying thinks about her beloved husband's legacy.

**Disclaimer: **None of this be mines.

**Queen's Quornor:** I need to do more research. I have a number of forthcoming chapters in mind, but there are two which are giving me grief because I don't know all the facts. The chapters in question are the ones I have planned for the Two Qiaos, and the problem is that I have no idea how the two ladies died. I haven't been able to find much on Xiao yet, and next to nothing about Da. I have heard rumors that Da committed suicide after Sun Ce died, but I can't find anything to back up or disclaim them. Does anybody here know the ultimate fate of the Two Qiaos? I could use a little help here! Also, the thing with the Empress? I don't think Liu Shan had any children during his time in Shu, or if he did, they were not recorded where I could find them. So the baby mentioned herein is not destined for a happy fate. Infant mortality happened even to royalty.

Zhuge Liang and Yue Ying

_He can't go on much longer._

_These past years have not been easy on my husband. Since Lord Liu Bei passed, he has devoted himself to fulfilling his dream. He has already gained the promise of Nanzhong's protection, and led four military campaigns north in an attempt to conquer Wei. The people call him brilliant, and praise his loyalty to our fallen lord. Those praises are well-deserved, but the people do not see what I, his wife, see. They do not witness the sleepless nights, the weeks without rest. They do not know of the deep fits of coughing, when his breath comes fast and harsh and his body folds upon itself while he fights to keep his illness silent and secret. I argued for him to remain home a while longer, to recover his health before embarking on another campaign. My argument was sound and my points presented with calm rationale. Even he agreed that I offered a good debate. _

_Yet he still departed with Jiang Wei, Ma Dai, and the army._

_I have remained behind, to support our Empress in her final months of pregnancy. I sent a fleet of my juggernauts with the army, to help conquer the north. My role is also to placate the ministers who speak behind my husband's back, whispering poison into the Emperor's ear. They claim he seeks the throne for himself, that he wishes to become the Emperor in Lord Liu Shan's place. But he is only trying to fulfill Lord Liu Bei's wish, and insure the future of our precious Shu. If we do not eradicate the pretender dynasty of Wei, it is certain that someday Sima Yi will lead a campaign west. How will those simpering ministers react, I wonder, if my husband's greatest rivals stands outside the gates of Chang'an with a vast army at his back?_

_My husband will succeed, I am certain. His previous failures have been due to the poor judgment of others, including our impressionable emperor. Given time and the necessary trust, he will conquer Wei._

_Yet I fear he does not have that time. _

_I have never been one to weave pretty stories and shield myself with gentle lies. No matter what is said to ease our fears, the harsh reality remains. In this matter, I will not delude myself. My husband is ill, and because he works beyond exhaustion his body has been severely weakened. If he would agree to allow Lord Jiang Wei to command the army this time, and remained here to regain his strength, he could join the offensive later. But he will not, and the cost will be steep. I fear I will never again see my beloved husband alive._

_Beloved..._

_I never thought I would use that word, as a young woman. Physically I am nothing to be prized or admired, what with my red hair and dark skin. To be honest, my face is quite unattractive. My parents despaired of my ever marrying. So I devoted myself to my studies, to prove that I possessed greater worth than fleeting appearance. Few other women could match my knowledge of geography, strategy, and astronomy. Few ever cultivated the interest for such manly pursuits. I was the subject of much unflattering gossip, particularly when I began tinkering with models of war machines. But I did not care. I was content, and curious to learn more. _

_My father came to realize my value and began searching for a suitable match for me, his ugly daughter. He knew I was best equipped to compliment a man of the military, a strategist or general. But any interest in my talents withered after the candidates learned of my ugliness. A part of me was infuriated each time a man refused me, but I was not surprised by their reactions. Physical beauty is the fulcrum on which a woman's worth is initially judged, and so many men would choose a wife of rare beauty but simple mind rather than a plain maiden blessed with higher intelligence. So I resigned myself to the idea of life without a marriage and returned to my studies. _

_Then a man came to my home, at the suggestion of my father. The servants were whispering that the Sleeping Dragon had come, and while I was curious, I turned my attention back to the model arbalest I was constructing. Whatever his reasons for visiting, they could not possibly have anything to do with me._

_Wisdom, I soon found, does not hold true in every instance._

_This Sleeping Dragon, this Zhuge Liang, had arrived to meet me. He had heard of my talents and wisdom from my father and sought me out. My mother was thrilled with the prospect and eager for me to make the best first impression possible. As for myself, I was surprised by his interest in me. Zhuge Liang was not displeasing to my eyes, and his demeanor was beyond reproach. He exuded cool intellect and control. There was an undercurrent of gentle humor about him when he examined my models. I found him intriguing. _

_We spent that first meeting in discussion. He questioned my knowledge of military scenarios and the current state of politics, topics none of the previous candidates had broached in my presence. Zhuge Liang saw beyond my sex and appearance. He measured my mind. It was a moment of shock and pleasure when he complimented me, saying that I possessed one of the keenest minds he had encountered among men _and _women. _

_When he departed I was left with a new emotion: hope. I dearly hoped that he would find me acceptable, if not desireable. The next few days were spent in constant anticipation; I never wanted anything more than I did a place at his side, in his life. _

_The happiest day of my life was when he sent word that he wished me to be his wife._

_The years with him have been a study in private bliss and public turmoil. He is a tender man with me, but with his devotion to Lord Liu Bei most of his time was spent working towards their shared dream. It is such a beautiful dream - a land of virtuous rule, where people can live in peace and happiness - and a wonderful ideal. But..._

_I never told my husband, but I have my doubts about the land of benevolence. The common factor in all ideals is that they are unattainable. They are what we cherish and attempt to become or create, but they never become a true reality. In the case of our lord's dream, it would only work if everyone was willing to strive for it. Already the original cohesion has weakened, as demonstrated by those selfish, conniving ministers. In times of strife people will band together, all dreaming of a better life. But once order and comfort has been restored, the hope for something better transforms into a hunger. People become dragons jealously guarding their earthly domains, snapping at anything which threatens to disrupt their little nests._

_Currently my husband, the ultimate Dragon, is endangering their little domains with his plans to combine the Three Kingdoms into a unified one._

_If it was anybody else, the Emperor would have been convinced by the other ministers to languish beneath constant threat rather than strike the first blow. My husband will never be denied because he was the primary reason we have the land of Yi. The ministers cannot match wits with him, so they wait until he is far away before whispering behind him. We have to succeed with this campaign or I fear we may suffer an invasion ourselves. With my husband's health in question, that leaves Shu's best defender as Lord Jiang Wei, the young prodigy we gained at Tianshui. _

_Jiang Wei has great promise and talent to spare, but his genius is largely unproven, and he is as devoted to my husband as we all were to Lord Liu Bei. The ministers cannot decide what to think of him, which means they do not trust him. Given time, I know he will prove himself beyond any doubt. _

_But that will only happen once my husband dies._

_My son and I will not see our beloved Dragon again. He was already weak when he left, and a military campaign is going to be even harder for him. Predicting Sima Yi's movements, defending against all variables, and coordinating attacks will take their toll in short order. In addition there is the fact that my husband does not fully trust in all of his officers, especially Lord Wei Yan. That is going to put additional strain on him, particularly since he refuses to take adequate rest. _

_I tried to convince him to stay. I did my best to make him look after himself. But sometimes all the wisdom in the world is not enough to overcome sheer stubborn devotion. _

_Thus I am left sitting here, staring out this window of our shared room at the night sky we so loved to watch together. There was so very little we could not overcome when working in concert, and he needs his wife to safeguard him on the rare occasions when his common sense is left behind. But this time..._

_I am certain that one night I will look to the sky and witness the fall of the Dragon's star._


	4. Sun Ce and Daqiao

**Summary: **She has had enough. Without him, her life is meaningless and empty. Perhaps she was never meant to be a soldier's wife to begin with... Da Qiao comes to a decision with her husband's passing.

**Disclaimer: **Say it with me. I. Own. NOTHING.

**Queen's Quornor: **I realize a couple of Da Qiao lovers are going to resent me for what is taking place in this chapter, but hear me out first. I really think that after Ce died, Da's life shrank down to just her and what she lost. This theory is supported by Xiao's battle in DW7:XL, when Da says she can't live anymore without Ce. She pinned so much of her love and hope on him, entwined herself to him so closely in her mind, I doubt she lived too much longer after his death. With the lack of historical fact on the Qiao sisters, that leaves me working almost exclusively with what's in the Three Kingdoms novels and the games, particularly DW5:XL. It's not like with Diao Chan, where she's confirmed as fictional. The Qiaos lived; I know for a fact because one of my best friends is actually descended from Zhou Yu and Xiao Qiao. But without any records of the circumstances of their lives, I can only make up what seems likely to have occurred. In case you haven't guessed yet, there's a character death in this chapter. I decided to make Da repeat herself a bit towards the end. She's not exactly in the best state of mind, and keeps referring to Ce both in the present and past tenses. That's because rationally she knows he's dead, but she just can't bring herself to accept it.

Sun Ce and Da Qiao

_ He's always been the stronger of the two of us. I'm a weak, scared little woman, and he's so big and strong. Always so confident where I'm nervous and unsure. I can't make any decisions without him. _

_ I knew this might happen one day. Being the wife of a soldier means never knowing if he's going to come home from a battle or not, so I was prepared for that eventuality before I ever married him. But this... _

_ He died because of assassins. Because he put a man to death. _

_ Not because he was a warrior, or the leader of Wu. Because he sentanced Xu Gong to die._

_ I never thought about retribution. To me, he did the right thing. He eliminated a man who plotted against him, and would have whispered poison into the Emperor's ear had his letter not been intercepted. But Xu Gong's men obviously thought about revenge. They are the reason why..._

_ I can't even say it. It feels as though it has been ages, and I can't speak the words. _

_ I never would have thought he would come to mean so much to me. When my sister and I created our test for them, we decided that I would get him because I was the older sister, and as such was better suited to be the wife of a man such as the Little Conqueror. Xiao always supported me just as he was supported by Zhou Yu, so it only followed that she would choose his sworn brother for herself. The decisions were pragmatic in nature, not because we admired one more than the other. We chose this order because it was a peaceful, reasonable solution to a potential problem if our suitors could not decide who got which sister. I had hoped that I might garner some affection from my new husband, but I never let myself think that it would grow to something greater. Lords and kings do not often love their wives, after all. Most marriages within our social class are made for political reasons, not out of love. I didn't want to fall into that trap where so many other young women have before. _

_ But where I carefully avoided the trap, he threw himself headlong into it and demolished the snares, dragging me in after him. He had chosen me not just because of my beauty, but because he honestly cared for me. He _loved_ me, in spite of never having spent much time with me prior to our marriage. I balked at first, thrown off-balance by his earnest attempts to win my heart, but I surrendered after a short time. It was impossible not to love him. He was so strong, so brave, so handsome. I adored his playful approach to life, the way he faced so many problems with a smile and a joke. He hurled himself into every challenge, and they all crumpled before him. Truly he was a Conqueror, born and bred. _

_ I knew he was a warrior when I joined with him. I knew there was a very good chance he might not come back to me after a battle. But a part of me believed that he was invincible, incapable of incurring serious injury. He embraced everything around him, be it politics, or battle, or especially me; how could such an honest person, who lived his life to the fullest, ever be harmed? _

_ I guess not everyone sees him the way I do. _

_ When the men attacked, I wonder what he thought. Did he think of me? Was my face the last thing to ever cross his mind, the memory of the kiss I gave him before he went hunting that day? He and I were going to spend the rest of the day together after he finished his hunt, just enjoying each other's company and our children. He loved playing with our children, especially our daughters. He always pretended to stalk them like a tiger, and when they "caught" him he would wrap them in his arms and swing them high in the air, so their arms flung out and they shrieked with joy. _

_ That was supposed to be a day just for our family, a little slice of personal heaven in the midst of all the earthly turmoil. I sat with our children in the garden for hours after he left, assuring them that their father would be home soon and then we could play Catch the Tiger. I kept repeating the words as the day wore on, and the sun sank lower in the sky. I told our children that we could all play tomorrow, when the gardens were too shadowed for games and twilight loomed. I promised that their father would come to kiss them goodnight even as I tucked them into bed, silently worrying that something had happened. Perhaps, I thought, he was called away and there hadn't been enough time to send a messenger to me. With tensions growing in the north, it was very possible that he could be summoned to a war council at any time. I told myself such was the case as I curled in our bed, believing that I would be awoken by his arms slipping around me late in the night, his hushed voice asking me if I was asleep. _

_ But he never came back._

_ Since that day, I have wandered as a ghost within the palace. The sight of our children is enough to bring me to tears, and hearing his name always makes me start. My sister tries to keep me preoccupied whenever she can, hoping that distraction will give me something else to consider, but it never works for long. _

_ They are all worried about me. I see the glances, the concerned frowns. But nobody will approach me, for fear of offending me in my grief. Other than Xiao, of course, but she never worries about what others may think. Zhou Yu's opinion is the only one she believes to be worthwhile. I know she's scared for me, but her bright personality and innocent outlook don't seem capable of appreciating how much I hurt. There is not a day that goes by where I wonder how long it will be until I can see him again. _

_ Lately, I have begun considering ways to hasten our reunion. _

_ I know what people will think. They will say I was driven to despair by my pain, that my grief caused me to lose my reason. Perhaps a few will even whisper that I was too weak to handle the strain, that I was unfit to ever have been a soldier's wife in the first place, if this was to be my reaction. I have already heard such gossip, always where the participants believed they were alone. Sometimes it is useful, being so soft of step. _

_ Maybe they are right. Maybe I was never cut out for being a soldier's wife, let alone a Conqueror's. But in this grief, my station doesn't matter. I knew the greatest love of any woman, and it was brutally ripped from me in a fit of retribution. Is it any wonder why my heart is in tatters?_

_ Retribution... _

_ Such a useless, evil thing. Revenge has already taken so much from us. Sun Jian, my father-in-law, died in pursuit of it. Now it has taken the person I cherished the most, the man I followed even to the battlefield. The man whom I killed to protect when I would much rather than been at home with our children, if he would have stayed there with me. Now more revenge is coming, both for Sun Jian and...him. _

_ I truly am pathetic. I can't even say his name anymore, not without more tears. _

_ I can't do this anymore. _

_ It hasn't been so long since his name was added to the altar in the family shrine. But to me, it feels as though it has been centuries since I saw him off on that hunting trip. I remember I kissed him, enjoyed the press of those steely arms around me, and told him that the children and I would be awaiting his return. I watched him ride off, knowing that he would be back in a few hours and then the day was ours. _

_ The room we shared. That is the best spot. There's a sturdy rail outside on the balcony; we used to stand and watch the sunset behind that rail, and count the stars as they slowly glimmered into sight. He once told me that he would give me as many children as there were stars visible before the last purple flush of twilight faded from the horizon. We picked names for all those stars, and he said those would be the names of our sons and daughters. They were our heavenly little ones, not yet born on this earth. I couldn't wait to hold every one of them in my arms, show them to him, watch that broad grin spread across his face. _

_ There is a robe he gave me, the first night we spent as husband and wife. It's such a beautiful garment, made of crimson silk and embroidered with golden flowers and birds. It has the most lovely sash to match it; he loved to wind me in that sash when I wasn't paying attention, when I brushed my hair or prepared for bed. He said it was a sash for for the loveliest bride in the land, a perfect symbol of our life together. The nice thing about this sash is that it is so long. He could bind me in seconds and spend several minutes spinning it from me. We made such a game out of getting me into and out of the sash, no matter what I may have been wearing at the time. _

_ It's so worn, but so strong. This is a very well-woven length of silk. Not abrasive at all against my tender skin, but soft and smooth. He would sometimes rub the end of it against his face and offer me that boyish smile of his, saying that it was nothing compared to my touch. That compliment always made me blush as red as the sash, but I would be lying if I said I did not enjoy his opinion. _

_ I hope these knots are tight enough. I was never very good at tying knots. He was so good at it, but hopeless at undoing them. That was where I shone. Nobody can untie a knot as easily as I can. I don't think this sash has ever been this tight around my neck before. It's oddly comforting, how smooth it feels against such soft flesh. He would sometimes loop it behind my neck to pull me closer, but he never brought the ends together at the front. He was always afraid of hurting me whenever he played with the sash, but until he told me I could never tell. As honest as he is, he can be very good at hiding his emotions sometimes._

_ I've never sat on the railing before. It's much higher off the ground than I had thought. But I don't think that matters so much anymore. I haven't gone near this balcony since before that day, and never without his arms around me, keeping me safe. I've never been comfortable with heights, but strangely I don't mind the distance between my feet and the ground right now. All I can think about is seeing him again. The wood is a little rougher than I remember, a little more abrasive against my fingertips. Perhaps it is because I'm touching the outside of the rail, and not the smooth, polished inside curve? _

_ I wonder what people will say when they see what I have done. Probably all the same things they say already, that my mind has been destroyed by grief and despair, and that I am weak and helpless without my better half. They may even say that I am just another useless beauty, pretty to look at but utterly incapable of anything beyond bearing children for my husband. Well, for a few minutes at least I will be an exquisitely beautiful ornament, hanging for all the world to see. _

_ I don't care what people will say, what they may think of me. All I care about is ridding myself of this agony, and seeing my love again. Maybe we can finally meet those heavenly babies we named, the glittering silver children soaring high overhead. Their names are already picked, and he's waiting for me. _

_ All I have to do is fly into his arms. _

_ Ce... _

_ I'm coming, Ce!_


	5. Liu Bei and Sun Shangxiang

**Summary: **I only wanted to be his wife and protect him from my brother, and I failed at both. In the end, my brother has killed not only my lord, but also me. Sun Shang Xiang thinks upon her life's regret.

**Disclaimer: **How could I own them? They all lived nearly two millenia ago!

**Queen's Quornor: **Finally we have an update! I was noodling around with an idea for Xiao Qiao, but it's difficult to convey her personality, for me at least. I have a hard time writing from the POV of such a bouncy, happy-go-lucky character. At least Shang Xiang wasn't too much of a problem. She's been my favorite female character from the very beginning, as well as the first character I ever played as in DW. So I really wanted to do her justice. But when I reread the passage in ROTK where she walks into the river, I realized that I needed to incorporate her sorrow, not her strength and determination, for this chapter. She's a woman who has not only lost the man she loves, who has spent her entire adult life waiting to return to his side, but also been betrayed in that her brother used her as a pawn and then killed her beloved husband - or so she believes.

Liu Bei and Sun Shang Xiang

_ I never would have thought it would end like this. _

_ That's what any lovesick girl would say, isn't it? They never see the end approaching, or they refuse to acknowledge it has even happened. That's what Da Qiao was like, after Ce was killed. She was in so deep she couldn't think about him without breaking down in tears. She wound up hanging herself because she couldn't face another day without him. _

_ When they retrieved her body, I made myself a promise that I would never be like that. I would never bind myself so tightly to a man that I couldn't live without him by my side, and I would never abandon my children the way Da did. I would never let myself be that weak. As a daughter of the Sun family, I couldn't do any less. _

_ However..._

_ These past years, I've been doing some thinking. I've had plenty of time for it, since Quan refuses to let me have any contact with my lord Liu Bei's people, even in battle. He's basically kept me under lock and key since I returned to his side, all the while telling me that he'll send me back eventually. I am free to come and go as I please, as I've always been, but I can't leave our territory. The one time I tried, I was politely escorted back from the border and returned to my brother's palace. The next day, there were a few more male guards stationed around my rooms, supposedly as backup for my own female guards. _

_ Quan claimed that he was waiting to let me go back to my husband, that until relations were better between Wu and Shu, it was too dangerous for me to leave our lands. Does he really think I'm that stupid? He really should know me better than that! I figured out that he tricked me years ago, but there has never been an opportunity for me to return to my lord's side. He always has someone watching me, and whenever I start getting restless about the news coming out of Jing, he sends Lian Shi to talk to me. _

_ I almost hate her for that. It's not that I despise Lian Shi - she is my best friend, after all - but I hate how reasonable she is. She has a wonderfully diplomatic mind, and all the sympathy I could want. She understands how much I want to go back to my lord, acknowledges and regrets all the years we've lost, but still keeps me in place with sound logic and gentle kindness. I want to fight with my brother, demand that he let me go back, and she can calm me down with a few words. She's my sister-in-law, so I know she's just doing what's best, but I still hate it. _

_ My lord and I have lost so many years, as well as every opportunity for children we could have had. I'm past my childbearing years now, so I would only be with him for emotional reasons. It hurts my heart to think about all the babies I could have given him, and never could because of my brother's machinations. _

_ Now there will never be an opportunity for me to return to my lord's side. I know Quan and the others tried to keep it from me, but word came back from Yiling. My lord husband has been killed. I don't know the details, but that fact was reiterated no matter who I asked. My brother's men killed his sworn brother, Lord Guan Yu, after Fan Castle, and now they have taken his life as well. I haven't heard anything about Lord Zhang Fei, his second brother, but considering the depth of the oath between them, I can only assume that he has also died. _

_ My second family - my husband and his brothers - are gone. _

_ My own brother is to blame. _

_ A heart can only bear so much. For the short time I knew him, the depth of my love for Lord Liu Bei seems ridiculous, but it remains strong. There has not been a day when I haven't thought of him, and prayed I could return to him. He was the great hero I wanted all those years ago, when my brothers teasingly asked what sort of man I would ever agree to marry. He put the people ahead of himself, and fought against injustices and corruption with every fiber of his being. No, he was not the greatest of warriors or strategists, but a hero's worth is not measured solely by his body count, nor acts of valor. His brothers and Lord Zhao Yun far out-rank him for number of kills, but my lord's vision sets him apart. It sets him higher than even they, some of the most renowned warriors in the Three Kingdoms. _

_ His dream will continue, I am certain. There were too many who believed in a land of benevolence, and it is impossible that not one of them would take up the banner in my lord's stead. Lord Zhao Yun would give his last breath to see that dream come alive, and Lord Zhuge Liang is the man who put into words what my husband was feeling all those years ago. Those two are the most likely to continue his efforts on behalf of the people. _

_ His son and heir might also adopt his dream. I am unsure in his case, as the last time I saw Liu Shan he was little more than a baby. That is another of my regrets. I had looked forward to watching that sweet child grow into a man, in the event that I was unable to bear my own children. He was not my son, but I had intended to raise him as though he was. I wonder what sort of man he has become?_

_ The river has become my favorite refuge. I come here often, to train and to reflect. The flowing waters are often used as a metaphor for the passage of time, and they have come to represent as much in my thoughts. I am reminded, whenever I come here, that yet another day has placed more distance between myself and my husband. I had looked forward to beholding the rivers and streams of Shu with him standing by my side._

_ Now he is dead, at the hands of my family. _

_ And I have spent my entire life waiting, lost in the passage of time. _

_ I think it only fitting that I should lose myself in the metaphor, since the river has come to represent so much for me. _

_ These stones by the riverside, the smooth and rounded rocks, represent the trials I have endured since marrying Lord Liu Bei. Everything has been against us, even before we were wed. The marriage was not supposed to happen at all - it was originally a ruse for my brother to assassinate him, concocted by Lord Zhou Yu. Had my mother not realized there were plans involving me, her only daughter, such would have been the case and I would never have been the wiser. The look on Quan's face when I was informed of the marriage told me everything, because he could not keep his anger from crossing his visage. But I never spoke with him about it. I pretended to be unaware of the failed plan, to save his pride. _

_ I was impressed by Lord Liu Bei the first time I met him. He was a hero of the people, an advocate for those with no voice. I mean, the entire population of Jing Province followed him into exile; most peasants would never do such a thing for their immediate ruler. I know the people of the north would never abandon their homes to trail after Cao Cao, unless they were all members of his army. No, my husband is not among the most handsome or imposing of men, but there is a quiet aura about him, one which speaks of his kindness and strong will to aid others. I could see the qualities which caused heroes to follow him, and the people to praise his name. If there is a man more deserving to be the definition of "great hero", I am certain he does not live within the confines of China. _

_ I believe that is what ultimately drove a wedge between my two families. Both my brother and my lord wish to dispose of Cao Cao and rule the land. They are both great leaders who inspire many great men to follow them. Both lay claim to some of the best strategists, the finest warriors, and the most loyal of vassals. From their first meeting, both of them must have realized that one would have to fall in order for the land to be as one. Would it be the dragon's legacy, or the progeny of the tiger? My marriage was supposed to be an embodiment of their willingness to work together for the good of all, but when things soured it crumbled as though rotten. _

_ Perhaps the battle of Chi Bi was a better allegory for the alliance than my marriage. It was a brilliant stroke of defiance against the traitor's tyranny, and proved that all were capable of magnificent deeds when they decided to work together. But private schemes and jealousy turned the two representatives of the allies, Lord Zhou Yu and Lord Zhuge Liang, against each other. Outwardly they still helped one another, but privately Lord Zhou Yu planned to have the Sleeping Dragon killed. I only learned of this because I happened to pass by the room he was sharing with Xiao Qiao after we learned that Lord Zhuge Liang had departed; he was raging about it to her, and mentioned repeatedly that his rival should have died during the arrows incident. _

_ No matter how a hero of Wu and a hero of Shu are put together, there always arises a conflict. _

_ I desperately wanted to remain with my lord husband, to share in his dreams and expand his family. But now... _

_ It was the final, foolish dream of a foolish girl. _

_ The cool water of the river laps about my knees, the current tugging at my clothes. Each thought, each step takes me deeper into the shimmering expanse, and I am transfixed by the dying rays of sunlight dancing upon its surface. Another allegory, I believe. I was so enchanted by the idea of marrying the great Liu Bei, I never realized how fleeting and immaterial the reality could be. _

_ The stones in my pockets press against my thighs, dragging me down as I wade further out. I wonder what my brother will think, when I am found. Will he curse my stupidity or his own? Will he praise my loyalty to a husband I left years ago? Or will he take the blame upon his own shoulders, and hate himself for ever drawing me into his schemes? Whatever happens, I am sure Lian Shi will support him. She will watch over him, as she once watched over me. That was the kind of wife I wished to be for my lord. _

_ That relationship is what was robbed from me. _

_ A few more steps, and I will be fully submerged. I turn my face skyward, the water lapping at my chin, and gaze at the fiery vault stretching over my head. The sky reflects the situation on the land, where armies are burned and heroes fall in pursuit of impossible dreams. Where a girl who never finished maturing stands in the river, hoping to join her beloved husband beyond this life. _

_ I breathe deeply, and plunge into the heart of the river. _


	6. Liu Shan and Xingcai

**Summary**:** "**I promised to stand by my lord and uphold his father's dream, as his wife and his officer. But was it all in vain? Is my lord truly so weak? Does the dream of Shu die with me?" Xingcai thinks upon Liu Shan, and the fast-approaching fall of Shu.

**Disclaimer: **How could I own them? They all lived nearly two millenia ago!

**Queen's Quornor: **I have an adversarial sort of relationship with Xingcai. On the one hand I respect her as a warrior, for being so devoted to her husband that she'd put her life on the line to protect him from harm. But at the same time, I find myself lacking patience for her no-nonsense outlook and stubborn inability to change her views until all but forced to see reason. It's the same problem I have with Ina, although in her case her judgmental tendencies bother me that much more. Xingcai's a bit too flat as a person to really appeal to me the way someone like Zhenji or Sun Shang Xiang does. But I tried to get into her head for this chapter all the same, to try and bring her to life in a way I always found a bit lacking in the games. The bit at the end was meant to tie in with Liu Bei's death in DW7, when it seems that he actually saw his brothers and Pang Tong in the moments prior to his death. I do think that we see those among the dead who are dearest to us when we die, and I wanted to capture that here with Xingcai. In the games, she was one of the people who was considered the future of Shu; I can only imagine the guilt she must have felt when she realized that all their hopes and dreams were crashing down around her ears.

Liu Shan and Xingcai

_ It's over._

_ I can hear the screams of the soldiers, the victorious and the terrified mingled with the shrieks of the dying. The sun beats mercilessly overhead, glaring down upon our failure. _My _failure._

_ Shu is crumbling all around me, and I can only lay here while my life bleeds away. _

_ We fought so hard. First Lord Zhuge Liang and then Lord Jiang Wei did everything they could to fulfill the dream, to bring all of the land the benevolence that first inspired our lord to take up arms against the Yellow Turbans so many years ago. We all struggled to bring down Wei, to convince the cowardly ministers in Chengdu that it was foolish to merely sit and allow the Sima clan to take the reins from the Caos. I had my hands full trying to make Lord Liu Shan understand that the passive route was the worst path Shu as a whole could take, that the only way to secure our home's future was to bring about the land of benevolence. My lord husband was always a touch too gentle for the ugly realities of this world. _

_ I wonder if his simple ways and the lazy attitudes which prevailed over him were the fault of his father, as some of the servants whispered. Apparently, when my lord was still an infant, Lord Liu Bei threw him to the ground after Lord Zhao Yun rescued him at Chang Ban, blaming his son for nearly costing his trusted retainer and friend his life. They speculated that the blow affected his mind, robbing him of certain mental capabilities. At times I am certain it had something to do with his behavior, given how childlike he can be at times, and how trusting. It is so easy to mislead him, and countless times the ministers have taken advantage of his gentle nature. Both Lord Zhuge Liang and Lord Jiang Wei have had their carefully planned invasions of the north spoiled by those short-sighted bureacrats, when they whispered into the ear of my husband. _

_ Ironic, how a single act of passion so long ago could lead to the destruction of that which we all hold so dear._

_ Sometimes I was able to convince him to let the campaign occur. Other times the ministers, in particular Huang Hao, played upon my lord's doubts and blocked Lord Jiang Wei's efforts to secure our future. My lord trusts far too easily, and he never once questioned Huang Hao. I tried to make him understand the ministers' detrimental effects upon our homeland, but he always brushed me off with a gentle, lackluster comment and changed the subject. He treated his training exactly the same, always giving me weak excuses as to why he couldn't pick up his sword and spar with me. Yet my lord still claimed he wanted to improve his skills, to become as strong as his generals. _

_ I care for him, but it is a frustrating sort of love. I see the potential for what he could be, and I can't see any way for him to attain it. He has the ability to be a great leader, and a powerful warrior, yet he isn't willing to put forth the effort. He would rather listen to the simpering platitudes of Huang Hao and his cronies, bask in their false praise. They say that he is already the most magnificent man in all of China, and for all my shouting he refuses to hear me. _

_ This isn't how I envisioned things, back when I was told that I was to be married to Lord Liu Shan. I thought my lord would strive to fulfill his father's dream, that steps would be taken to bring about the land of benevolence. I thought, surely our children would come of age in a land unified beneath the Han Dynasty, as our fathers did. I believed that by now Wei, at least, would have fallen beneath Shu's sway. _

_ But instead, the Wei soldiers are running all around me, chasing our hapless men back to Chengdu while my lord and the minsters cover within the palace. _

_ This could have been prevented. Lord Jiang Wei pleaded with my lord for permission to launch a counter-offensive not long ago, citing reports that the Wei army was on the move. Huang Hao scoffed at him, saying that the scouts and spies must be mistaken. Wei had never once attacked us, save in retaliation for our "ill-conceived" invasions. This was no more than a show of force, he claimed, a tactic designed to intimidate us from pursuing yet another offensive. No matter how many of his generals raised their voices in dissent, myself included, Lord Liu Shan refused to listen. He merely inclined his head to Huang Hao and murmured "there will be no permission from us for now, as we require time to consider your proposal." Then he took a drink of tea, and the discussion was closed. _

_ My lord was still reviewing the matter when the first soldiers were spotted rolling down the mountain. _

_ Lord Jiang Wei warned us this might happen. The two enemy commanders, Zhong Hui and Deng Ai, are tactical geniuses. On top of that, Deng Ai has made a thorough study of local topography, and studies maps almost obsessively when on campaign. We thought the mountains surrounding Chengdu were impenetrable, but our strategist was concerned that a cartographer of Deng Ai's calibur might find a way around the natural defenses. This is one occasion when I wish he had been wrong. _

_ We tried to defend our home. Lords Xiahou Ba and Guan Suo joined me in raising the troops, and we drilled into them the importance of winning this battle. We thought we were holding the line, until the flank collapsed. Our soldiers were overrun, and panic spread. I lost track of my friends in the ensuing chaos, and while I was trying to get my personal squad back into formation, an arrow struck me. _

_ Now I can do nothing more than lay here, slowly growing colder while I bleed to death. I lack the strength to slit my own throat, and a gut-shot such as this takes some time to kill. My end will not come quickly, unless some soldier decides to claim a trophy; I have ample time to consider where it all went wrong. _

_ I should have been harder. I was prone to letting my compassion get the best of me where Lord Liu Shan was concerned, particularly in regards to his training. Sometimes I refused to let him get out of it, but often he could convince me that he really did not feel able. I spotted him training by himself at times, but usually he was unwilling to follow me to the yard. I had an easier time of it when Lord Zhao Yun was still alive; my husband was eternally grateful to the general for saving his life as an infant, and idolized him for his many deeds. Lord Liu Shan does not favor the spear, but there was still plenty for his savior to teach him. There were many occasions when I would spend a long time trying to get my husband to come outside, with him merely brushing me aside, only to see him rush to retrieve his blade at a gentle suggestion from Lord Zhao Yun that they train together. _

_ It annoyed me beyond reason, at times. I wanted to help him become stronger, and he seemed determined to ignore my efforts. I fought in his name, to defend him from harm, and in return he would give me that soft smile with some quiet words of thanks. He depended on me, and although I enjoyed protecting him I was determined to make him stand on his own two feet, fully capable of defending himself. He needed to be seen as an equal to his counterparts and rivals, in particular to the lords of Wei and Wu. Lords Liu Bei, Cao Pi, and Sun Quan all fought on the battlefields with their armies; they rarely remained in their capitals and waited for news of their victories or defeats while dallying with concubines. That is why they were all held in such high esteem. They were willing to put their lives on the line alongside their men. They understood what the soldiers, both officers and drafted peasants, were suffering. Even the usupers of the Sima clan have killed and bled on the battlefield, as strategists and warriors. _

_ My lord, by stark contrast, rarely sets foot outside the palace and delegates others to command the armies for him. Is it any wonder so many of our men would sooner listen to Lord Jiang Wei's orders than any lofty command given by our emperor? For all points and purposes, Lord Jiang Wei is the driving force behind Shu these days, and before him Lord Zhuge Liang. Lord Liu Shan has never completely stepped into his father's shoes, and on the occasions when he tried, he just could not fill them adequately. _

_ I think part of this was due to the illusion that is the land of Yi. Our province has so many mountains and streams, I believe it has a tendency to lull its people into a false sense of security. Chengdu in particular seems unassailable, what with all its natural defenses. Yet Lord Pang Tong's invasion proved that it was not impossible, and now history has repeated itself with Wei as the conquering force. _

_ I once heard whispers that Lord Liu Bei, before his death, asked Lord Zhuge Liang to look after his son as though he were his own. But in the same instance, it's said, our lord instructed the Prime Minister to keep a close watch on Lord Liu Shan; were he to prove incapable of leading Shu in the manner it required, our lord's wish was that Lord Zhuge Liang take the office himself. Even at the very end, his concern was for the common folk, the innocent civilians. _

_ Lord Zhuge Liang, however, was focused upon supporting Lord Liu Shan even as he tried to fulfill our encompassing hope, the dream for a unified land. In this, I believe he spread himself dangerously thin mentally. He had to concentrate upon the northern and southern campaigns while guarding his back against those ministers, and I believe this is what led to his ill health. Lady Yue Ying told me of his many sleepless nights, and her prediction that his efforts would cause his death did come to pass. Now I see a similar storm of circumstance surrounding Lord Jiang Wei, though in his case it seems to have transformed into a sort of zealotry. He has devoted his very being to bringing about the land of benevolence, to the point that he has become truly obsessed with that goal. _

_ I used to fear what that would mean for his mental state when our victory was assured, when unification was attained. Logically I know that he brought this upon himself, but I still harbor some concern for him. He carries all of our hopes and dreams, and that is a very heavy burden. Now I worry that his obsession will be the death of him. _

_ That death may be sooner in coming that I anticipated. _

_ Chengdu has fallen, or will soon. All that we hoped, the land we desired to make a reality, has fallen by the wayside. Now our only concern should be to rescue as many people as we can, and to get Lord Liu Shan out alive. _

_ I am incapable now. It is up to Lord Jiang Wei and the others, if they yet live. I must trust that they will protect him from the Wei advance. _

_ A shadow blocks the sun, and I open my eyes to see a huge man standing over me. He carries a drill-spear at his side; it drips with the flesh and blood of Shu. He gazes into my eyes, and his expression is neither kind nor malevolent. He is carefully composed, as though his emotions tightly in check. _

_ Deng Ai._

_ I am already dying, that should be obvious. Has he come to collect my head, to present it to his lord? _

_ He squats beside me, hidden in shadow. "Lady Xingcai. I should have expected you out here."_

_ I do not reply. If he expects me to plead for my life, he is wasting his breath. I am the daughter of Zhang Fei; I will never beg anything from the enemy, let alone mercy. _

_ "Don't you want to live?" he asks, glancing meaningfully down to the arrow in my stomach. At my silence, he sighs and shakes his head. "So proud, as befits the wife of an emperor. I'm sure you won't believe me, but I regret having to do this to your people. I can't promise anything, but I think Lord Sima Zhao wants your husband to live. He just wants to unify the land, same as you do."_

_ The words give me pause. I had never considered the idea that Wei wished the battles to end as well. All I have ever known is war. Peace is a foreign concept, a dream which kept us all going in spite of the death and bloodshed. Lords Zhuge Liang and Jiang Wei invaded their land time and time again, yet Wei never answered with an invasion of their own. Could it be that they were enjoying their own kind of peace, and Shu was interrupting it? _

_ Could the dream have become twisted after my father and Lord Guan Yu were slain, when Lord Liu Bei lost himself in the madness of vengeance? Was it further twisted by Lord Zhuge Liang's devotion to our dream, and Lord Jiang Wei's obsession? _

_ Did Lord Liu Shan have it right all along?_

_ I shudder, feeling the chill of death chase down my spine. _

_ Deng Ai stands, still looking down at me. "You are the daughter of Zhang Fei, and the wife of Liu Shan. Above all else, Lady Xingcai, you are a warrior. It's not right that you should suffer like this, by bleeding to death."_

_ I close my eyes, knowing that he will make it quick. Deng Ai has always seemed an honorable man. Were this Zhong Hui, I would suffer further humilation while he watched me die. But this will be over in moments. _

_ I feel the tip of his spear enter my right chest, and then I am free. I rise from my fallen shell and look to Chengdu, where smoke already fills the sky. Our men fight in isolated pockets against larger groups of Wei soldiers, dying because an adequate defense cannot be created from this mess. I see a decorated officer carrying a curved sword, his reddish hair gleaming as though aflame as he enters the shattered gates. I have seen him before, directing the armies in defense of Wei. Surely that is Sima Zhao, going to claim his prize as the victor. _

_ It was all in vain. _

_ I turn my gaze skyward, and feel myself leaving this world behind. My father and his brothers, Lord Zhuge Liang, Lord Zhao Yun, and Guan Ping are waiting for me. I do not know who will be following me to their side today, but I am strangely confident that Lord Liu Shan will not be among them. Seeing them all again will be both joyous and shameful, because I was not strong enough to keep our hopes alive. _

_ I can only hope they will forgive me. _

_ Yet I think, in a way, the dream will continue to live. One way or another, peace will eventually come to all three of the kingdoms, and they will become as one land. Perhaps it won't be the land of benevolence we all believed in, perhaps it will be. Lord Liu Shan had the same prayers for peace that we all did, and I can't believe that he would simply allow the fighting to continue while the people suffer. It goes against his nature. _

_ I just wish I could have enjoyed the peace at his side. Not as his protector, but as his wife. I never allowed myself to relax into the benefits of that position after our marriage, though he encouraged me to set aside my sword and shield and sit beside him, to partake of the simple pleasures as he did. I kept pushing him to become stronger, and he wished for me to lay down my burden, if only for a time. I thought to enjoy such things once Shu had unified the land, when there would be no further need for warriors such as myself. _

_ Perhaps I should have listened, just once. _

_ Enjoy your peace, my lord. Forgive me for not being the wife you desired, for being a bodyguard who refused to acknowledge that her time was done. When you finally join me, perhaps I will try to act as you wished. _

_ But now, I can merely watch over you from afar. _

_ I feel a searing grief envelop my being as I continue to rise beyond the sky, and feel as though I would be crying were I capable. This, surely, is the sorrow of those I go to greet. Just as I once carried the future of our beloved homeland, now I carry its pain on my way to Heaven. _


	7. Sima Yi and Zhang Chunhua

**Summary: **"All these years, I've tried to be a good wife. I've supported him the best I can, but he has never once acknowledged what I've done for him. In his eyes I am, and always will be, a foolish woman." Zhang Chunhua mulls upon her years with her husband, and the sons she has given him.

**Disclaimer: **Once again, I own nothing.

**Queen's Quornor: **Koei had BETTER bring DW8 over here to the States! With all these new characters, I'm dying to see what they add to the stories! The one I'm most intrigued by is Zhang Chunhua, the wife of Sima Yi and mother of his sons. Considering that her husband really doesn't seem to care about anything beyond his rise to power and his rivalry with Zhuge Liang, I am curious as to how she would figure into his story. Besides, with all the research I've been doing on her, she seems to be a very interesting character. Somehow, though, I don't see her as being a ruthless woman. I see her as more of a less sexi-fied Zhenji, someone who got stuck with a man who grew tired of her and found somebody better, and really didn't care when her life was in jeopardy, but to whom she remains loyal all the same. The only difference is, in Zhenji's case I'm pretty sure there was at least some love involved, in various quantities throughout the marriage. From what I've read about Zhang Chunhua and Sima Yi, I think the only ones who loved her in that family were her four children.

Sima Yi and Zhang Chunhua

_The bowl stands before me, steam curling softly from the snowy granules within. A pair of chopsticks lay beside it, inviting me to break my fast and nourish my body. Across the table, my two eldest sons sit watching me, silently pleading with me to pick up the sticks and eat. _

_ I drop my gaze, examining my folded hands. They understand why I refuse to touch the rice. Yet they continue to watch me, their dark eyes desperate. They do not want to lose their mother to their father's cruel words. My fingers curl tighter, and I raise my head to meet their faces. _

_ Shi appears as composed as ever, patiently waiting for me to end my long protest, trusting that I will eventually bow before reason. He sits in silence, his features schooled to stillness. I see in him an echo of his father, but he lacks the cruel arrogance my husband carries like an accessory. I know my eldest son is capable of such casual spite, but he does not display it at all times. In this moment, he merely a beloved son trying to save his mother's life. _

_ Zhao, on the other hand, appears more restless. He does not fidget, but I can see that he is struggling to remain silent. His fingers lightly press and release atop his thighs, and his eyes keep shifting from me to the rice, and occasionally towards his brother. He tried appealing to my love for him and his siblings where Shi tried to make me see reason. Neither were sufficient to make me pick up the sticks and bowl. _

_ It is not that I wish to starve myself to death. I would never desire to leave my beloved sons and daughter behind. But I have spent too many years in devotion to my husband to be treated so poorly, given too much of myself for him to so insult me for trying to ascertain the state of his health. So I refuse to eat, hoping that my actions will stir my sons to action against their father. I do not wish his death, merely his apology. I may only be a woman, but I do not deserve to be so casually ignored or thrown aside. Not when I am the reason he has his precious sons. _

_ This is merely the latest in a long line of disputes both small and great. So often I accept my lord's abuse; as his wife I must do as he demands, even if it means allowing him to insult me or sit quietly while he amuses himself with his concubines. I bit my tongue when he secretly wed Lady Bai, the woman who receives his true affections. However, I have my limits. He is usually careful not to push me too far, but on this occasion he managed to do so. His actions have divided our family, as our children bridge the gap between us and try to make him apologize while begging me to nourish myself. My children have always supported me in silence, never commenting on their father's callous treatment of their mother. But I do not hold this against them. I adore them too much to wish them grief, especially if such evil thoughts were prompted by their refusing to stand between their beloved parents. _

_ It is my husband, the great strategist Sima Yi, upon whom I wish ill fortune. _

_ My heart is rarely in my spite. No matter how his words and actions cut across my soul, I continue to support him, for the sake of our family. I have done everything I can to protect him where I am able, such as slaying that maid for threatening to reveal my husband's good health to Cao Cao's men. Yet for such devotion, he has turned from me. _

_ True, it is not the sole reason. What he dislikes is my intelligence, my wisdom and wit. My lord enjoys displaying his intellectual superiority, showing the common soldier and minister how their minds are less capable than his. But in this area, I match him. My mind is keen, my memory vast and deep. On occasions when he has pushed me too far, I remind him of my ability with cutting words and sharp observations. My lord likes to think that our sons received their brilliant minds from him alone, but in truth they were borne of my intellect as much as his. His brain, combined with my wisdom. He has realized it, I am certain, yet he refuses to acknowledge me as his equal because I am a woman. _

_ Long has he referred to me as "that foolish woman." Regardless of my words and actions, I will always be a brainless dolt in comparison to him, as far as he is concerned. It matters not that I am possessed of a mind to equal his own, or that I have given birth to his legacy. The fact that I have remained in his shadow, all these years, is worth scant attention. No matter what I accomplish in life or in memory, I remain a foolish, idiotic female. I believe it gives him satisfaction to hold himself so much higher in comparison, and for the sake of the family I allow him to keep that superior perch. _

_ I could so easily knock him back to the earth if I so chose. _

_ My sons continue to watch me as my gaze slides from my fingers to the window behind them. The sun is setting, bathing the hills in crimson fire. It is a surreal vision, one which so often echoes the state of my heart. My love flows for my children, painting them with all my adoration whenever they cross my mind or sight. But where the red palette symbolizes maternal love for them, it indicates anger and, at times, rage towards my husband. I loved him as well, once. In years past, I was honored to have been chosen as the wife of such a brilliant man. I was not foolish enough to believe that he would ever love me as a woman, but I hoped that eventually he would regard me with fondness, even affection. I believed that he did not have the capacity to truly love someone, considering the distance he kept between himself and nearly every person he knew. This extended to his own family, and not once did I think I would become the exception. _

_ But when he met Lady Bai, suspicion flickered in my mind. He was warmer towards her than any other person, including his own children. I was shocked that he felt emotion for her, but at the same time I was not as surprised as another woman might have been. I am aware that many men of his station are wed by arrangement, and then choose lesser females to become concubines. It is not uncommon for one of these concubines to receive the love the true wife is denied. Yet something about this arrangement bothered me incessantly, and I found myself watching their interactions closely. _

_ My daughter was the only one to see my fury when the news of his secret elopement with Lady Bai trickled into my ear. I try to keep my temper concealed from my children, but that was one of the few times when it slipped its leash. My precious daughter could only cower as I stormed through my chambers, destroying all that my hands touched. One of the few images I retain from that night is the memory of her eyes, so huge and dark, as she clutches the door with bloodless fingers and shrinks from my sight. _

_ Even my sons, so strong and smart, hide when I lose my temper. My husband would never admit to fearing me in those moments, but he finds ways to remove himself from my vicinity when I lose control. _

_ My lord had quit my bed long before his marriage to the concubine. Learning that I was now his wife in name only did not shatter some girlish dream of love; it cut my soul because I feared that he would arrange for my death or seclusion, and I would be separated from my children. But as cruel as my lord can be, he has not stooped to that level. He knows that my wrath would be terrible indeed; he is too smart to allow me such an opening for vengeance. _

_ So we remain in this farce, married but separate. No starry emotions bind us, only cool tolerance and the occasional heated slur. He has his unlawful wife, and I remain the mother of his children. But there lives still a tiny flicker of concern for his well-being within me. Why else would I ever deign to visit him? _

_ I knew that he had taken ill, and because I knew his sickness would cause our children to worry I decided to inquire as to his health, and offer my sympathy and prayers for his fast recovery. But he behaved so childishly when told I had come to see him! I never would have thought the great Wei strategist would throw such a tantrum over a simple courtesy. I already knew that I meant nothing to him, but it was beyond forgiveable for him to have screamed it so the entire household could hear. It exceeded my patience for him, and so I retaliated in the only manner available to me: I have refused all meals until such time as he apologizes. _

_ It is possible that he will hold close his pride and never retract his words, but I think he will surrender this time. After all, if I die, my children will never forgive him. Shi, Zhao, Gan, and their sister all care for their father, but if he causes me to perish in starvation, their hearts will be forever closed to him. Without me, his precious legacy is lost. They will disown him. _

_ A cruel little smile crooks my lips just as the door slides open across the room. I knew he would come. _

_ My sons immediately look his way, but I take my time in viewing him. The great Sima Yi is quite obviously here under duress. His face is red with surpressed anger, and he grips the wooden frame of the door with such force that I fancy I can hear it cracking beneath his fingertips. His chest rises and falls beneath his robes, a clear indication of the fury he holds only just in check. _

_ For a long while, nothing is said. I gaze coolly upon him, and his dark eyes regard me with no kindness. Our sons remain still, but their eyes flick rapidly between us, measuring the tension thick in the air. At last, my husband takes a deep breath._

_ "I apologize," he grits out. _

_ I tilt my head in acknowledgement, He steps back and slams the door shut. Just as Shi and Zhao relax, his voice rings through the air again. "I did not do this for you, you useless old crone! I did it so my sons may concern themselves with more important matters than your health!" _

_ I hear the sharp, dual intakes of breath from across the table. Both Shi and Zhao are shocked beyond words, their eyes wide in their sockets as they stare first at the door, and then at me. They fear my response. _

_ My lord's departure is announced with the heavy tread of furious feet, rapidly receding down the corridor. He is too angry, too humiliated at having to apologize to a mere woman, to concern himself with my reaction. _

_ As for me, I remain silent. I draw it out, stretch my sons' nerves thinner than a strand of silk. Zhao has begun to fidget, and even Shi has become restless by the time I move. _

_ They both sigh in relief, for my hands reach out and grasp the bowl and its accompanying chopsticks. _

_ Sima Yi is one of the great strategists, I cannot deny. But for all his ability on the battlefield, he has yet to learn that the home is another plain, and the battles are mine to win or concede. He may have loosed an arrow straight at my ego, but he has not won. That final, spiteful attack was simply not worth any effort on my part. _

_ I have his apology, insincere though it was. My sons have a reminder of their mother's capabilities. _

_ I call this a resounding victory. _


	8. Sima Zhao and Wang Yuanji

**Summary: **"Perhaps he is more akin to his brother than even I originally believed. Those with the brightest destinies often find their lives cut short in exchange for a place in history's annals." Yuanji mulls upon her bond with Sima Zhao, and how unfair life can truly be.

**Disclaimer: **Iza no mines.

**Queen's Quornor: **Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been awhile. I realize that, and I am sorry for keeping this on hold for so long. I've been trying to make ends meet lately, and attempting to find a new place to live, or at least some new room-mates. Nothing bad happening with the current ones, just a lack of career prospects that may result in their moving out. That aside, I've been somewhat obsessed with DW7:Empires for the past few months. I'm honestly not sure which game I prefer: the original + XL, or Empires. Don't get me wrong - I adore all of the Dynasty Warriors games (with the exception of the Gundam spinoffs, but then again, those are DW in name only). But there's something utterly appealing about creating your own officer and then sending him or her to conquer China alongside whoever-the-hell-you-please. The raving fangirl in me also loves the relationship options, although I'm still not sure exactly what Koei meant by "you can create children in this game." Did they mean you can create child officers, or did they mean that, given enough time in a marriage to an officer, you can make babies? I'm thinking it's the former, but the latter would admittedly be kind of awesome, especially since they took out the "you spent time with So-and-so, and have gained a level!" thing from DW6:E Anyway, that game has been eating up way too much of my free time, and I'm thinking the only thing which will make me put it away for awhile will be DW8, which (THANK GOD!) comes out soon. The other big reason as to why I haven't been updating anything is because of my created officers. I've been coming up with a lot of stories for them, in particular my albino officer, Kyrrhea. I didn't want to inundate the boards with OC fics, however, so I've been keeping these tales to myself. Maybe I'll post Kyrrhea's at some point. I'm not sure. But what I can tell you is that I'm almost out of tragic ideas for the DW ladies, so I'm thinking that the SW gals will be up next. We'll see.

**Sima Zhao and Wang Yuanji**

_When I first met him, I knew he was destined for great things. My lord Sima Zhao always acts like he does not care about anything in particular, and he complains incessantly about how certain tasks and obligations are boring or pointless. He always finds a way to wonder why he should bother with less-than-glorious activities, and voices his comments without thought. Even after years of marriage, my lord continues to grumble upon such things in private. It exasperates me to no end, but at the same time, it is a quality which is his alone. I have yet to hear any other officer complain about how his actions are pointless, or how they will make no difference in the long run. _

_Irritate me._

_Surprise me._

_Make me proud._

_Such has been the course of our relationship._

_I was never sure how his potential would manifest. Both his father and eldest brother were consummate strategists, two of the most brilliant minds the world has ever seen. My lord is possessed of a keen intellect in his own right, but his ability is overshadowed by his apathetic outlook. Given the opportunity, he can weave plots to equal those of his forebearers, and it is rather obvious that he cares about the welfare of the people. He remains very popular because he seems so grounded, so _normal_ in comparison to lords Sima Yi and Sima Shi. Both of them were extremely confident in their course and their judgment of the world around them, and his brother in particular had a flair for dramatic speech and imagery. Lord Shi was also a touch more eccentric than Zhao, especially when it came to his meat buns. The two of them were certainly more elegant than my lord in actions, appearance, and words. _

_Unlike his father and brother, Zhao is more down to earth. He is more approachable and friendly towards others, and he is possessed of an easygoing personality with a sarcastic sense of humor. It is rare that he does not have some degree of smile on his face. I always envisioned Lords Sima Yi and Sima Shi as being frozen lakes in that they seemed still and chilly, but beneath which deep currents ran strong and warm. Those two were very, very good at hiding their emotions and thoughts. My lord, by stark contrast, is like a fire in the night. He attracts the attention of all, he is warm and welcoming, and those who surround him either adore him or despise him. Much like any fire, he requires a keeper. Icy waters need no governing hand. _

_Although I am my lord's wife, I have been his minder for years. I do not watch his every move, but I remind him to think of others, not spout every little comment which springs to mind. I have always been careful not to nag him, and he fears my wrath when he ignores my advice. He will never admit it, but he does. Yet his growth as a leader of men is less due to my input and more due to the circumstances in which he found himself. _

_His attitude and laziness came about because he always had his father and elder brother to compensate for him. The pressure to excel was always more directed towards Lord Shi, the heir and prodigy. He was the one who was expected to take their father's place, to lead the armies of Wei and rid the world of foolish would-be rulers. He was the son who had to spend hours upon hours studying books of strategy and politics, the boy who was expected to cultivate his mind into a form rivaling, if not surpassing, that of his father. He was always to act in a manner befitting the son of Sima Yi, to mold himself into a supremely elegant man well-versed in social graces and the responsibilities of a leader. Zhao, on the other hand, was allowed to spend more time at leisure. While his brother was indoors studying _The Art of War, _he was permitted to play outside. Of course, he was expected to nurture his mind as well, but the pressure was not applied as heavily upon him. He learned from a young age that, so long as his brother was around, he was less important and thus could do whatever he pleased. So while Lord Shi learned to control his emotions and rein in his ambitions, my lord grew into an outspoken, sarcastic individual. I must admit: I understood why Lord Shi was raised as he was, but at the same time, I did feel sorry for him. He was equal to the challenge, but it could not have been easy, growing into his father's shoes. _

_Their childhood was mirrored by their conduct in adulthood. Zhao retained more freedoms than his brother, and Lord Shi aided their father in many of his plots, attaining a closer confidence than any of us. Then came the day that Lord Sima Yi perished, and his eldest son took his place. Lord Shi pushed Zhao hard, trying to make him understand that he could not remain the same carefree, lazy man he had been prior to their father's death. He had to set an example for the men, both at home and in the field. As a member of the Sima clan, he could do no less. He had to learn how to read the situations and political undercurrents, and mold them to his benefit. He had to become a strategist in every aspect of his life, not just on the battlefield. _

_Zhao used to complain to me bitterly about all the pressure he was under, and I could only sit and listen some nights. I understood what his brother was trying to do. He refused to listen. _

_I think the turning point came when he was completely stripped of his rank. The blame for the defeat at Dongxing, and the subsequent rescue by Lord Shi's forces, was laid squarely at his feet, although equal share was owed Zhuge Dan for refusing to work with Zhao and striking out on his own. Still, I agreed with Lord Shi that Zhao was due for a reality check. If a commander fails to pay attention to the flow of the battle, shows no interest in what his officers are doing, and fails to keep them in line, then he is not fit for the position. Zhao had proven his ability in previous engagements, but he lacked the maturity to understand that the army's failure or success is his responsibility. He could not delegate and bicker with his men; he had to learn to either convince them to see things his way, or force them to do as he commands. That was not an easy lesson for him, but it was an essential one. After he realized the ramifications of his petty disagreement with Zhuge Dan, he began to take his role as a Sima far more seriously. _

_After his brother died, Zhao became the leader of Wei. He was far better suited to the role at that point, although when he told me that Lord Shi had passed I could still see the apprehension in his eyes. It was completely understandable. Due to Lord Shi's efforts, the real power in Wei lay not in the hands of the Emperor, but with the Sima clan. This meant that Zhao was now the most influential person in the North, responsible for millions of people. It is quite a heavy burden, and a man would be foolish indeed to not be somewhat afraid of that power. But my lord has proven more than equal to the task, and because of his leadership, our long feud with Shu has finally drawn to a close. _

_That is not to say that it has been an entirely smooth journey. The recent rebellion led by Zhong Hui certainly provided some growing pains as Wei's empire expanded, and before that it was the betrayal of Zhuge Dan. Unified or not, I suspect that this land will never truly know peace, only snatches of it. _

_My lord, however, will know it in its most final form, all too soon. _

_The burdens of his position have finally caught up with him. Zhao's health began to decline not long after Liu Shan's surrender, and because of various matters requiring his attention, my lord has not been able to rest and recover as he should. He managed to hide his poor condition from the Court and Emperor, but I have been privy to his moments of weakness for decades now. He has depended on me to compensate for him more and more as the days passed, as it became more and more difficult for him to move on his own. _

_Now all he can manage is to lay in our bed, while I sit at his side. _

_This Zhao is so different from the man I married. His illness has robbed him of his strength, to the point that his limbs are nearly skeletal and shake uncontrollably when he attempts to stand or sit up. His cough, once discernable only when he would hunch over and shudder without a sound, now makes my heart lurch with the sheer agony I hear accompanying the hoarse bark. His reddish hair has turned grey, and his eyes are sunken in his face. He speaks with me, but it is all he has the strength to accomplish. Compared to the broad-shouldered swordsman I wed, this Zhao is a travesty. _

_He has rolled his head to face me, and in response I reach out to take his hand. The fingers lie so limp atop my own, and I hold them tight, knowing that he wants this connection with me. With my free hand I wipe the sweat from his brow, smiling down at him. He knows that I will not leave him, but he needs the reassurance. _

_It is strange that he is dying of illness. Both his father and his brother also passed away in conjunction with a sickness, although in Lord Shi's case it was just as much due to his own stubborness than his health alone. If he had tended to his health and trusted Zhao to oversee the kingdom for a few weeks, perhaps he would still be with us today. I find it tragically ironic that for both brothers, their deaths arrived so quickly after their stars rose. Lord Shi had four years at the pinnacle of power. My lord's conquest of Shu was but a year ago. _

_The brightest fires often fade the fastest._

_Now I am to be left a widow, to raise our children alone. _

_True, they are not my babies anymore. They have all grown, and have become fine examples of men and women. But to me they are still the children I held in my arms as Zhao held me. I can see him whenever I look into their faces, in particular Yan, the eldest. I also see an echo of their grandfather and uncle in him. He is a young man who enjoys the finer things in life, but he also harbors the same burning ambition. Much like his uncle, he believes that he is destined to overthrow the Emperor and unite the land beneath the Sima clan's rule. _

_Sometimes I wonder if we allowed Lord Shi to adopt the wrong son as his own. His first wife only gave him daughters, and so Zhao let him take our second son, You, into his family as his heir. He bears little resemblence to his adopted father in terms of character, save for the calmness of his temper and his intellect. Yan, on the other hand, carries the same elegance that characterized his uncle. I have often wondered if I somehow bore Lord Shi's son for him literally, in spite of having never known him in that manner. If any of our sons are destined to become the emperor of a new dynasty, it is Yan. _

_Of course, the choice has already been made. My lord has already made his decision as to which son - and thus which bloodline - shall inherit his title as King of Jin. Age and popularity won over talent. For all his ability, You will have to watch his adopted cousin take the position that should have gone to his father. _

_I suppose it does not matter. Last I spoke with him, You was disappointed about being passed over, but he understood the reasons. Whether that sentiment lasts, we will just have to see. But for now, there is peace between the two heirs. _

_Zhao's condition worsened while he was attempting to make this decision. He loves all of his children, and he does not enjoy harming them in any way. True, You is not of our bloodline anymore, but he was our son originally. Zhao still loves him as a son, as do I. The difficulty in the choice came from our secondborn being adopted as Lord Shi's son. If You was his natural child, then Zhao would have passed his title on to him, as Lord Shi's heir. But Yan is, well, our firstborn. So rather than decide which bloodline would inherit the title, Zhao made his decision based on who was best suited for it. He privately asked for You's forgiveness afterward, when he came to visit. You promised to support his cousin, though I am not sure if he will be content with such a course. It may be that our sons will come to blows in the future. I sincerely hope such will not be the case._

_I should not worry so much about our children. Come what may, I will be here to guide them. As for my lord, Heaven only knows how much time I have left to spend with him. _

_Last night, he was terrified of dying. He told me that he feels unfulfilled, that his accomplishments mean little next to those of his father and brother. He worried that when he sees them again, they will be looking at him with utter disappointment. It struck me as odd that he should be so concerned; his father was one of the greatest strategists of our time, and Lord Shi solidified the foundation for the Sima clan's power, which made Zhao's ascension much easier on everyone. My husband, however, is the man who oversaw Shu's surrender. That is no small merit, and I assured him that his relatives are certain to praise him when he reaches their side. He merely turned his head to the side, facing away from me, and would not listen for the remainder of the night. I know the reason for his withdrawal. _

_He is afraid of leaving me behind. _

_Zhao sees me as the mountain in his life. I supported him when even his father and brother did not, and I offered him council when he required an outside opinion concerning various matters. His power has waxed, waned, and waxed anew - I have remained at his side through it all. The idea of leaving me alone while he continues to another life consumes his thoughts, though I doubt he would admit it if confronted. I have told him repeatedly that he need not worry for me, but he never listens. As in so many other matters between us, he has managed to both exasperate and impress me at once. _

_To ease his mind, I have remained at his side while his life slips away. I have wiped his lips and brow, held his head while he sips from a cup of water, and cleaned up his messes since he lost the strength to rise from the bed. The handmaidens have offered to assist me, but I would rather do this myself. I want him to know that I will stay with him no matter what he has done or where he goes. Now his final hours are passing in silence, as we do not need words to express how we feel. _

_So I merely sit beside his hip, holding his hand between my palms and staring into his glazed brown eyes, accompanying him as far as I can upon his final journey. _


	9. Nagamasa and Oichi

**Summary: **What went so wrong between them? It had begun with love, but it ends with misery and confusion. The women of Koei reflect upon their relationships with the men they married. Newest"I believed we were destined to spend our lives together, that this marriage would bring joy to all who saw it. I never thought I would lose him to the fires of my brother's ambitions." Oichi mourns the love she knew, and recalls fires that burned her life.

**Disclaimer: **Iza no mines.

**Queen's Quornor: **So now that I've mined the Dynasty Warriors marriages for the most tragic situations, I think it's time I turn my attention to those of the Samurai Warriors. Of course this means I'm going to begin this group with the most tragic of all the romances, that of Nagamasa and Oichi. I always feel so sorry for this couple; I mean, whether in history or in game settings (regarding both SW and Capcom's Sengoku Basara), Nagamasa is THE poster boy for no-win situations, and Oichi is always a tragic and virtually helpless figure. There are some pretty heart-wrenching stories within the Koei lineup, and this is the Grand Poobah of Tearjerkers. So I wanted to make this chapter honor the two of them, and combine both the fact and the fiction rather than picking one or the other. I have a huge amount of respect for Nagamasa, and the last thing I want to do is dishonor his memory. So I'll take it somewhat easy with the angst here, but it's still going to be sad. I mean, this is an angst/drama series. Happy endings have no place here. Besides, I wanted to do something with the motif of burning buildings that patterns Oichi's adult life. It's pretty ironic that she, her brother, and both of her husbands died in flames.

**Nagamasa and Oichi**

_The fire burns. _

_I stare into the hearth, tracing the curling tongues of crimson light as they dance and leap, attempting to discern the exact moment each flame separates from the whole and dies. I am trying to lose myself in the fire. I do not want to think of tomorrow. I only wish to consider the past. _

_Fire has always fascinated me. Since I was a small child I have enjoyed watching it burn, reveling in the warmth and light it conjures. I have never feared it, although I learned to respect it. Fire brings life, and it destroys life. It is the most powerful of forces, and it has always had a place in my life. It has been there during the sweetest moments, and it has seared my soul with that which it has taken from me. _

_My brother. My home. My husband. _

_Perhaps it will someday claim my life as well. _

_Fire has played a role in the past years most prominently. When I was young, I was only familiar with the fireplace, but as I grew, I realized fire can reside beyond the hearth. I came to this understanding in my twentieth year, when my brother came to me and announced that he had chosen a husband for me. I saw the fires leaping in his eyes, and realized that his ambitions had sparked and caught. He always harbored great plans for this country, but never had I been exposed to their intensity. I had been certain that he would send me to wed one of his retainers, to strengthen ties between our family and that of a vassal's. Hearing that I was to be given to the Azai clan, as part of an alliance, was a rather unexpected turn of events. But I had little choice, and so I was sent to Omi, away from my brother and his burning spirit. _

_My lord Nagamasa also had a fiery soul, but his was a flame of a different sort. He was warm and welcoming, a fire of creation rather than destruction. The light in his eyes warmed my soul and lit my heart, and I came to believe that I could sit beside him and bask in the sheer comfort of his presence, much like the hearth-fires I had always enjoyed. His kindness was a soothing presence, unlike the stirring, uneasy aura elicited by my brother. I no longer felt as though I must watch my every word and action, that I could simply be Oichi rather than the Sister of the Demon King or the Daughter of the Oda. All my lord expected from me was that I remain at his side and bear his children. It was refreshing, and I lost myself in the fires of his love as he reveled in mine. _

_But as much as he loved me, his honor came above all else. I did not believe that my brother would break the alliance he had fostered with my new family, so it came as a chilling shock when the scouts reported that the Oda were attacking the Asakura, long-time allies of the Azai. I remember the torment suffered by my lord Nagamasa, how he would pace in the night as he weighed his obligations and attempted to justify siding with one over the other. An honorable man such as my husband would consider it unthinkable to betray his allies, and he was bound to both sides of the brewing conflict. I tried to remain out of his sight as much as I could, not wanting him to make his decision based solely on his love for me. I hid in the shadows and prayed that he would make the right choice, whatever that path might be. I comforted myself with our children and spent my time with them, knowing that he would never do anything to place them in jeopardy. My lord adored his offspring fiercely, and any action that might harm them was utterly beyond him. I sat with them by the hearth and told stories and played games, keeping them calm so they would not realize their father's struggle. _

_When he sided with the Asakura, I dreamed of flames. I remember falling asleep in his arms after he told me of his decision, and then my mind was consumed with scarlet fingers. I walked within the blaze, feeling it sear my flesh and roast my heart, and as the walls of my surroundings crumbled around me in a fiery shower, I awoke. My lord had sensed my turmoil and attempted to awaken me, but according to him I would not respond. He could only hold me when I finally came to, and I clung to him in return, unable to give voice to my visions. The light of his love soothed me back into a dreamless sleep, but still I remained uneasy. When he rode to Anegawa, the feeling remained, even though I told myself repeatedly that he was a mighty warrior and skilled leader, fully capable of standing against my brother. _

_When I stood outside Odani Castle with my three daughters, watching my home burn against a crimson sky, I finally realized that my dream had been a true vision. My home and my love, my very heart, had been devoured by the flames of my brother's ambition. _

_I keenly remember the pain of our family's parting. My lord did not wish for us to die in the castle, and we both knew he would not be allowed to leave. My brother's vengeance was terrible and merciless; he would never have allowed the chance for my lord Nagamasa to survive and rise against him in the name of justice. He would have slain our son as well, but we had already sent Manpukumaru far away, to live in secrecy. My lord entrusted him to some of the most trusted servants of the Azai clan, with instructions to take him as far as possible from my brother's reach. All of us wept when they departed, for we knew we would never see him again. It would be the last time I would hold that tiny baby as my son, and my lord knew that he would likely perish before they met again. Our daughters clustered around us, weeping, but they understood why we were sending their little brother away. Our servants promised to raise him to be a brave man, and to always uphold his honor as the son of Azai Nagamasa. _

_That was the first time I ever saw my lord shed tears. _

_The second, and final, occasion was when he said good-bye to me and our daughters. _I remember them embracing their father with all their strength as he held them close, kissing their heads and telling them to be good. They swore to always remember their honor as his daughters, and make him proud to have been their father. Then he took me in his arms and squeezed me until I could not breathe, burying his face against my hair and apologizing for not upholding his duties as my husband and my brother's ally. I clung to him and told him that he had done nothing wrong, that his honor remained intact. He then whispered that he was sorry we could not spend the remainder of our lives together, and kissed me. We exchanged our love one last time, and then the four of us walked out of Odani Castle and beyond the battle lines. __

__Lords Toyotomi Hideyoshi and Shibata Katsuie both expressed sympathy for our loss, and truly regretted that my lord husband must die. My brother, by stark contrast, showed little emotion as we approached him. When I greeted him, he rose from his chair and came to me, forcing me to turn around and face the castle. My daughters shrank from him, but they did not flee. My brother told me that I would watch as my previous life burned, so I could understand what my husband's loyalty had cost. He kept his hand at the back of my neck so I could not turn away. I could only watch as the flames covered my home, killing all who remained within. __

__Never have tears burned so hot against a woman's skin. __

__After we returned to Owari, my daughters and I were placed in relative seclusion. We were given comfortable rooms and servants to tend to our needs, but my brother kept us hidden. We received the occasional visitors, and precious few of them. The only consistent visitor was my nephew Nobutaka, who enjoyed spending quiet moments with me. My brother's wives and concubines avoided us, and he rarely bothered to come speak with me. The only command he gave us was to relinquish our kimonos when we arrived, after providing replacements. I learned from the servants' gossip that he had those kimonos, gifts from my lord Nagamasa to his wife and daughters, burned. He wanted to completely erase my husband's presence from our lives, so that we were in no way bound to the legacy of the Azai. My brother wanted us to be entirely Oda, as if the Azai had never existed. __

__I managed to preserve a comb Lord Nagamasa gave me. I keep it hidden safely in a box, and only occasionally take it out to look at it. Even after my brother's death, I have kept this small memento of my husband's love a secret. __

__My brother eventually used our isolation to steal one more precious thing from my life. He repeatedly questioned me as to the whereabouts of my son, Manpukumaru. I refused to divulge the information, fearing what he might do with that knowledge were he to find out where the servants had taken him. After some time, he swore that he only wanted to take my son into his care, to raise him as his own. I was wary of his intentions, but the desire to see and hold my son again overwhelmed me, and so I told him where he had been secreted. I awaited his arrival with great anticipation, but my brother never left Owari. Instead, he sent Lord Hideyoshi out to retrieve Manpukumaru. Still I waited, and after many weeks the Monkey finally returned. When I asked my brother when I could see my son, he told me that Manpukumaru had died of illness not long after Odani's fall. I spent a month grieving, not only for my son but also for myself. I know my brother lied about his death. Not that my son is dead, but the manner in which his life ended. My son was a strong, healthy baby, and I am sure that he would rarely have fallen ill. His sisters have only gotten sick a handful of times during their lives, and in the time he was with me, Manpukumaru was no exception. __

__My brother commanded Lord Hideyoshi to kill my son. I am sure of it. __

__Now my lord Nagamasa's blood flows only in our daughters, as does his honor. __

__Following my brother's betrayal, I returned to my previous spot beside the hearth. I spent many hours tending the fires, watching them dance and twist and leap. My daughters attempted to raise my spirits, but I could not bring myself to smile. For a time, I lost myself in the flames.__

__My stupor was only lifted when word arrived that my brother had been slain at Honnoji. __

__How ironic that a man whose eyes burned with such ambition would be consumed in their flames, just as my husband had been. __

__Nine years living only for the fire, unaware of how the political climate was changing. I realize that it was foolish to have lost myself so completely, but at the time I was incapable of more. My grief overwhelmed me and blinded me to the lives around me, including those of my precious daughters. They were the ones who informed me of my brother's assassination, and of Lord Mitsuhide's betrayal. As Lord Nobunaga's sister, I was expected to grieve for him. I was expected to curse his murderer's name, to keen so every soul within Azuchi Castle could hear my pain. But I could only remember his cruelty, his part in the deaths of my husband and son. My mind swirled with memories of his forcing me to witness the Azai's destruction. __

__I was unable to grieve for my brother. __

__If anything, in the depths of my heart, I praised Lord Mitsuhide for avenging the life and love I had lost. __

__I am unsure why my brother never selected another husband for me after my lord Nagamasa's death. I was one of his greatest pawns, and he kept me hidden, out of play. I remained quiet for years, hoping to spend the remainder of my life in solitary widowhood, but my nephew Nobutaka had other plans. He and his elder brother, Nobukatsu, were vying for control of the Oda clan and he needed an edge in the struggle. There were a number of generals who could be swayed either way, and the greatest of them was Lord Katsuie. He was one of the finest generals to have served my brother, and as Nobukatsu already had the brilliant Monkey on his side, Nobutaka was depending on the Devil Shibata to swing the balance in his favor. So to assure his loyalty, he selected a bride for him. I had thought that one of my daughters would be chosen, as they were all beautiful and unwed. But when he came to me with his decision, I was shocked to discover the identity of Lord Katsuie's bride.__

__It was me. __

__I had always known that Lord Katsuie was fond of me, and it seemed that my nephew was aware of that fact as well. So he offered my hand in exchange for his allegiance, and Lord Katsuie accepted. I went to the altar with my mind blank, not allowing myself to think of the last time I had made this journey. I allowed no emotion to show, and I was praised for my composure under such circumstances. I did not express myself until I was ensconced within my new husband's house, after my servants departed so I could prepare myself for the marriage bed. I forced myself to swallow my tears so none would realize I had cried.__

__Lord Katsuie did not expect anything of me. When he came to me, he explained that he did not wish for me to do anything if I was unwilling. He would not force me to lay with him, nor was he seeking to get an heir on me. He only wanted me to be comfortable and content, since he continued to feel guilt over the circumstances surrounding my previous husband's death. He did not particularly like my lord Nagamasa, but he did respect him as a warrior and as a man of honor. He felt that my lord should have died on the battlefield, not in his castle. My lord's death was an honorable one, but it was not the end he deserved. So while he was happy to have me for his wife, he did not want me to be unhappy. __

__I think he also did not want to consummate our union because of his feelings for me. Lord Katsuie had always treated me as though I were a delicate porcelain doll, something to admire and cherish but not touch. I think he enjoyed the idea of being my protector, of having me beneath his roof, but he did not trust himself to become my husband in more than name. The fires of possession burned low in him, and the heat of lust was buried in charred embers. His blaze was that of a candle, small and illuminating, with little warmth. Our marriage was to remain a chaste one, for which I was grateful. After the passion I shared with Lord Nagamasa, the sweetness of his embrace, submitting to another man would have been nigh unbearable. __

__So we share a home, but we do not share a bed. Lord Katsuie keeps to his quarters, and I to mine. My daughters remain between us, slowly accepting him as their stepfather while cherishing the memories of their true father. __

__But content as we are in this arrangement, I fear the roaring flames of ambition will come again. Lord Hideyoshi and Lord Katsuie remain at odds, struggling to decide who will inherit the legacy of the Oda. The Monkey has many young, talented officers who serve him loyally, and of course there is his exceptional wife, the Lady Nene. She adores her husband just as I loved my lord Nagamasa, and so I know she will support him to the death. She is the definition of a true wife, one who all but worships her husband and remains at his side in all things, yet retains the independence to punish him when he strays to other women. She has been known to leave him to accomplish various missions in his name, and even to follow after him when he tells her to remain in their home, away from the battlefield. __

__Lord Katsuie has lost several officers to Lord Hideyoshi, including his follower Lord Toshiie. Now he has only himself and his powerless wife to support his position, as far as notable officers go. I cannot see how this brewing conflict could possibly end in our favor. Soon the army will march, and all will be decided. __

__I retain ownership of my lord Nagamasa's territories through my first marriage. I was holding Omi in reserve for my son, but he is no more. I would like to find a worthy successor, a man of honor, to inherit the land before I die. Perhaps there is someone within the Monkey's ranks who will catch my attention and thus gain the title, someone who was born in Omi. I am unsure, but I would not see my lord's homeland fall beneath the jurisdiction of one without honor. It is the last thing he would have wanted. __

__I am tired of being in a deadlock with the fires that spread across men's hearts and consume the land. This time, whatever happens, I want to face the flames that took my husband and my brother. If I survive, then I will be all the stronger. But I doubt that I shall survive this confrontation. I may not love Lord Katsuie, but I will not abandon him to the blaze as I did my lord Nagamasa. That is not the way of a true wife.__

__Let the fires burn. __


	10. Hideyoshi and Nene

**Summary: **"A marriage can be the most frustrating of relationships. I love my darling, and I know he loves me. But there are times when I really just want to pluck his eyes out to keep them from wandering!" Nene thinks upon her marriage, and acknowledges that there is really nothing she can do to keep him from going after other women.

**Disclaimer: **I don't any anything but copies of the games and a bunch of pictures on the wall. The actual people? Absolutely not.

**Queen's Quornor: **I don't consider this particular marriage a tragedy, but a rather bipolar pairing of equal parts exasperation and adoration. In the games, as well as in history, it's pretty clear that Nene and Hideyoshi love each other. But if there's one thing that is undeniable about the Monkey, it's that he is a total playboy. I don't think he can really keep his hands to himself, even though he knows how his wife is going to react. Nene knows that, too, but she tries to keep his adulterous ways to a minimum all the same. I think the real tragedy here is that she was barren; if Nene had been able to give Hideyoshi children, it's possible that he may not have been so interested in skirt-chasing. For this chapter, I think I'm going to stick with the games' depiction of everybody's favorite ninja-mama rather than the history. There's a pretty clear-cut difference between Game-Nene and Real-Nene, personality-wise. Game-Nene is just more interesting in that department than her original self. Especially when you figure in her adopted children. So this chapter is less about the angst of a tragic marriage than the sheer frustration of a union where the husband keeps chasing other women while claiming that he loves his wife.

**Hideyoshi and** **Nene**

_I think I deserve some sort of award for patience. _

_It doesn't sound unreasonable, does it? I've been putting up with my darling's wandering ways for years now. No matter how much I threaten him or attempt to keep him happy, he always slips away and finds other women. He's very skilled at hiding his affairs from me, I'll admit, but he can't keep ALL of them in the shadows. That's where a ninja like me excels; we tend to be very good at sniffing out hidden things. Hideyoshi is a very sneaky man sometimes, but I'm up to the challenge. _

_I never thought he would ever chase other women, back when we were first married. I promised myself that I would keep him happy any way I could, that I would fight to keep a smile on his face. He wants a land where everybody can be happy, where every citizen can smile in joy and peace. But doesn't that include me? I'm his wife - I should be the happiest woman in the world with him. _

_Except I'm not. _

_It's not that I don't love him. He's my everything, and I will love him until the end of time. But there are a few things I wish I could change. Of course the biggest issue is in his womanizing. I've done everything I can think of to try and put a stop to it, including firing all of his concubines, but it doesn't change a thing. He just brought them all back while I was visiting some friends in Kyoto, and spent all his time with them until I came back. Kiyomasa and Masanori had to hold me back when I found out, or I would have made good on my threat to break all his arms and legs. He just did what he always does: stood there apologizing, making excuses, promising that it would never happen again. Then he went straight back to Chacha the next day. _

_I suppose I can't really blame him for wanting to spend time with her. She is the mother of his heir, and the daughter of Oichi and Nagamasa. Chacha looks like her mother, but she has her father's noble bearing. She inherited the best of both parents, and as such is almost my polar opposite. She's a true lady, the very definition of a samurai's wife. I don't think she has so much as touched a sword in her lifetime. I hate her for stealing my darling's attention, but at the same time I feel sorry for the poor girl. She was married to Hideyoshi when she was just a young maiden, not too long after her mother and stepfather's deaths. Chacha has that slight overtone of sorrow, and my darling finds that quality irresistible. _

_But there's another reason why he sometimes seeks her out, and the blame lies with me. I can't give him what he needs the most, now that Japan is at peace. He needs another son in case something happens to Hideyori. _

_I can't give him children._

_We realized that early in our marriage. After a couple of years, we started wondering why I wasn't getting pregnant. So my darling came to me and pointed out that he needed heirs. He brought up the possibility of concubines, and I rejected the idea. I didn't want to share him, and I still believed that I could have a baby if we just tried harder. But after a few more months without any sign of a pregnancy, I finally caved. I told my darling that if he truly needed a son, he could take a concubine and get one on her. But that was to be the only one, and only for that purpose._

_What nobody knows is how much I cried the night he brought Chacha home, the first time he slept with her. I made some excuse about going out to patrol the city, but I don't think he paid me any heed. He was too busy fawning over his new woman, complimenting her and bragging to everybody about how beautiful she was. I doubt he even realized that I was gone. I spent the night in a tree several miles from our home, mourning that I was not the woman I wanted to be, the woman he needed to bear his children. I grieved for the children we would never have and for my dream of our marriage. I knew it wasn't going to be the joyous union I had hoped for, and that tore something inside my heart. _

_But I never shared that with him, or anybody else. I couldn't let them know that I'm not as invincible as I pretend to be. Hideyoshi and the others see me as this wonderful, strong, untouchable woman. I can't let that illusion end. I mustn't let them see me as anything else than the perfect wife and mother. If they do, they'll only worry about me, and I can't let them be distracted like that. A good mother always knows when to hide her true feelings. _

_I can't have children, but that doesn't mean I can't raise our boys to be fine young men. Mitsunari, Kiyomasa, and Masanori are my pride and joy; nothing makes me happier - aside from being with my darling, of course - than seeing them be happy. I'm proud of all of them, but like any mother I do have my favorite, although I'll never admit to it. Kiyomasa is the one I like best. He's a bit hot-tempered, but he's the one who keeps the other two in line when I'm not there to break up their fights. When he doesn't get mixed up in the bickering himself, that is. He's also the one who follows my orders without question, no matter what I ask of him. Masanori is a big, loud teddy bear of a boy, but his mannerisms cause me no end of grief. I swear, he still has no idea how to control his volume. He needs to learn how to use his indoor voice! And then there's Mitsunari. He's the troublesome child. He is easily the smartest of the three of them, and that's just the problem. He's too intelligent for his own good! I try to keep him in line, but he excels at backtalk and sarcasm. There are some days when my attitude towards him keeps switching between wanting to hug him and planning to give him the spanking of his life. _

_To be honest, he's the one I worry about the most. He's more independent than the other two, and his mind is always at work. Mitsunari's also the most disciplined of them, and the hardest on himself and those around him. I don't know where he learned that showing his soft side is a sign of weakness, but he's too stubborn to listen when I try to teach him how to show his sensitive nature. He certainly has the honor of a true man, but he needs to be nicer. I think that's why he's so prickly towards others - he doesn't want to leave himself open so others won't be able to hurt him. But because of that attitude problem, very few people understand him. I think Sakon is one of the only people even willing to make the effort. I worry about that boy far more than the other two, because I think he needs a mother the most. Masanori and Kiyomasa can handle themselves, but they don't understand him. That's one of the reasons why they argue so much. Good thing I'm always around to remind them to be nice!_

_There is one more little issue regarding Kiyomasa that concerns me a great deal. The poor boy has a serious infatuation with me, to the point that I strongly believe he may be in love with me. That's a little disturbing, because he is one of my boys and I've always thought of him as my son. I once overheard him listing off the qualities any potential wife of his must possess, and every last one of them were linked with me. She must be able to cook, she must be beautiful and full of energy, and she must be a ninja. So basically, he's not going to get married unless Hideyoshi and I force him, or he finds someone exactly like me. I think he has tried to work up the nerve to tell me how he feels a few times, such as when he came up to me stammering and blushing before begging me to punish him for "such nasty thoughts." It's not all that surprising that he should feel something for me, since I am the closest thing to a mother he has and all boys pattern their ideal wives after their mothers. But the degree to which his infatuation runs is troubling. Of course I would never cheat on my darling Hideyoshi, but I can't bring myself to embarrass Kiyomasa by acknowledging his feelings. He is going to have to realize, sooner or later, that I'll never be anything beyond a mother for him. I'll cook for him, support him, and discipline him when he misbehaves. Anything more than that is not going to happen. _

_Raising boys is such a pain. Sometimes I wish there were more girls around, to give me a break from pig-headed young men. _

_There is one nice thing about my situation. As Hideyoshi's wife, I am the most important woman in Japan. That makes me everybody's mother. So basically, all the people are my children. It's my duty to keep them all happy, and to keep my darling husband from chasing after the girls. He knows that if I catch him with another woman, I'll break all his arms and legs. But that doesn't stop him from trying. _

_I don't think he realizes what it does to me, seeing him with other women. I know that he needs children. I know I'm incapable of giving them to him. I understand that, as the barren woman, I'm supposed to sit back and bit my tongue while he frolics with other girls. But I can't make myself to act like some docile little lady. I can't turn a blind eye to his skirt-chasing. I can't bring myself to share him with other women. Not even with Chacha, the only one who has given him a son thus far. If it was up to me, she would have been cloistered in a nunnery or married off to someone else long ago. _

_But it's not up to me. _

_So I'll continue to support him. I'll fight to protect him and our boys, to preserve the peace we have found. I'll keep threatening him with serious bodily harm if I catch him with any other women. He has to remember that his wife is no pushover! I'll keep doing what I can to make sure everybody is happy. I will keep a smile on my face, even if it breaks my heart to know that I can't keep my darling at home. _

_After all, isn't that what a good wife and mother is supposed to do?_


End file.
